Old and New Jokes

Ducharmes Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasnt a Democrat?

When she didnt swallow everything he presented.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking Im a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Dont talk such rubbish!

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. Jesus is watching you, a voice said Huh?, oh well, the robber said and continued shinning his torch. Jesus is watching you, the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. Oh, its you, the robber said. Im just trying to warn you, the parrot said. Oh, thats nice, the robber said, pretending to be scared, whats your name? Moses. Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses? The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.

3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Im bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of

terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not

apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

I got this stuff from one of my friend:

Overheard at the Bharatiya Janata Party office in Bombay:

Person 1 (to another who was smoking a foreign made cigarette): You claim to be staunch advocate of the swadeshi (locally-made) movement, then why are you smoking a foreign cigarette?

Person 2 replied: Where am I smoking the cigarette? I am simply burning it to ashes.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and well talk about it.

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the fathers study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied your bible diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!

The young man waited a moment and replied, You know Dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….

To which his father replied… Yes, youre right…

and they also WALKED every where they went!

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact.

When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so hell have some spending money in the after life.

Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects.

The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket.

Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend.

Then the lawyer approached the coffin ….. wrote out a check for $15,000 … laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

Yes, he said. I do. My father taught me. Good. What comes after three. Four, answers the boy.

What comes after six? Seven.

Very good, says the teacher. Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

A Jack.

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

I need to find someone to run for president, he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss needs, St. Paul started naming off a few
qualified candidates.

Nah, I want that guy, he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor
pissing off a balcony.

Youve got to be kidding, said St. Paul, Not only is he dumber than
a box of rocks, hes got drinking and drug problems.

I dont care, said God, This is the guy.

Perplexed, St. Paul asked, What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry
with the Americans?

No, said God, I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a
village idiot to run for president.

But wont that work in the Devils favor, oh Lord? Paul asked.

Thats all right, said God, hell never take Florida.