Old and New Jokes

Need a LIFT?

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You want to slap the next person who says, Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.

You believe shallow gene pool should have its own box on the report card.

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention vegetables and youre not talking about a food group.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

You cant have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldnt bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was

there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a

different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun, Nun, Who was the first man on earth? She

replied, That would be Adam. St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, Nun, Who was the

first woman on earth? She replied, That would be Eve. St. Peter let her

through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, What was the last

thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.

HHHHMMMM, she said aloud, Thats a hard one.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.

"Whats going on here, maam?"

"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

"Maam. Thats your air freshener."

How do you make a Blonde laugh on saturday?

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years.

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.

10. The complimentary paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. 9. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it. 8. The magic fingers vibration is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic. 7. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow 6. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes. 5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it. 4. Theres a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers. 3. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you. 2. The only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it. 1. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!

His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.

He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!

A brain tumor

Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, Judi, my love, youll never believe it, dear, but Ive discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.

Really, she said, interested at once. What is it?

Back to back, Jon replies.

But thats crazy. We cant do anything back to back.

Yes, we can, he says. Ive persuaded another couple to help out!

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/