Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!

Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck… getting stuck… getting stuck…

What is a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.



Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.



Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.



Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.



That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!



Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…



What about the PC?



Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.



Which three?



Control, Alt and Delete.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?



Father Patrick replied, I am so very sorry to hear about your dogs death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, theres a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe theyll do something for the animal.



Muldoon said, Ill go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?



Father Patrick: Why didnt you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

Your so poor,when i rang the doorbell.



You stuck your head out the window and saidding dong.

If at first you dont succeed, redefine success.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Sign seen in a bar:

Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while hed hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, Howard, dont worry about it. You arent the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you wont be the last.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, Howard, youre a veterinarian.

From: http://www.geocities.com/jenneaux/