Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, Where did you come from? How did you get here?
I rowed from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.
Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.
O, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.
But-but, thats impossible, stutters Ed. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?
Oh, that was no problem, replies the woman. On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
Ed is stunned. Lets row over to my place, she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?
No, no thank you, he says, still dazed. Cant take any more coconut juice.
Its not coconut juice, the woman replies. I have a still. How about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, Im going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
WOW! This woman is amazing, he muses, What next? When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
Tell me, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, Weve been out here for a really long time. Youve been lonely. Theres something Im sure you really feel like doing right now, something youve been longing for all these months. You know… She stares into his eyes.
He cant believe what hes hearing: You mean—, he swallows excitedly, I can check my e-mail from here….?
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race
along come faster rats.
1. Oh I just couldnt. Hell, shes only sixteen.
2. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape wont fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
6. We dont keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You cant feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, its just not safe.
11. Wrasslins fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. Were vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. Ill have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we dont need another dog.
17. Whos Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
John was sitting in a cafe. The waiter had just brought a cup of coffee to the
man sitting at the table next to him. The man drained his coffee into the vase
on the table and ate the cup. He only left the handle. Then he paid and left the
cafe.
Did you see that? John asks the waiter. This man drained his coffee into the
vase and ate the cup. He only left the handle. Strange, isnt it?
That is strange indeed, replied the waiter. The handle is the best of a cup.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you
get lost in the desert? he asked. Several hands went up, and many important
things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the Scout
Master.
Timmy replied, A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.
Whys that, Timmy?
Well, answered Timmy, the compass is to find the right direction, the water
is to prevent dehydration…
And what about the deck of cards? asked the Scout Master impatiently.
Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, Put that red nine on top of that black ten!
What is the ultimate rejection?
When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybodys heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The Tell me when were having fun kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If youve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesnt help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If youve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you dont move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.
So, howd you break your leg? She asked, making small talk.
It was the darndest thing you ever saw, he said I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldnt believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didnt realize how far Id moved. I fell out of the lift.
So howd you break your arm?
School-boy Howlers:
Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
The dog ran across the street, emitting whelps all the way.
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla How do you spell dumb?
Darla says d-u-m-b, dumb. The teacher says, very good, now use it in a sentence. She says Buckwheat is dumb
Now spell stupid. Darla says s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid. The teacher says,very good, now use it in a sentence. Darla says Buckwheat is stupid.
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says Buckwheat, spell dictate.
Buckwheat stands and says d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate. The teacher says, very good, now use it in a sentence.
I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!
Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
I think its raining, he said to his wife.
No, that felt more like snow to me, she replied.
No, Im sure it was just rain, he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.
Lets not fight about it, the man said. Lets ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said, Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?
Its raining, of course, he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, ‘I know that felt like snow.
The man quietly replied, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!