New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.
When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than password.
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, its probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where youd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesnt work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
There are a Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Jew on a
plane, and about half way through their flight the captain reports that
there are engine troubles, and in order to stay in the air the plane must
lose some weight. After the baggage is dropped, the plane is still too
heavy.
The frenchman, being full of pride for his country, opens the
plane door and says Viva la France and jumps out. Still too heavy.
The Englishman says For my Queen and country and jumps out, but
the plane is still too heavy.
The German says For the Fatherland and pushes the Jew out.
– It didnt have the guts to do it.
In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil, Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the
Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kiki Rodriguez, had been admitted
for treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our
gerbil, in, he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my
cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldnt
come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him.
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot up the tube, igniting Mr Bustones moustache and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which, in
turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball.
Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later
told reporters: Its Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some
queens tradesmans entrance …
(Bloomberg News Service 11/8/93. Spotter — Dr Stewart A. Cowley)
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while
attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a
fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He
goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a
fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating
the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the
fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees
the fire and then the fire hose. He exclaims, Ah, a solution exists! and then
goes back to bed.
This comes by way of a died in the wool New Yorker that I sometimes work with. Written by her mom, I think, but there are similar diaries floating around. Picture someone moving from the sun belt to the snow belt…
December 8:
6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
December 9:
We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, Im sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
December 14:
It snowed inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again and the snow plow came by and did its trick again.
December 15:
Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought my wife snow tires for her car.
December 16:
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.
December 17:
Still cold (below zero in the AM) and the icy roads make for very tough driving.
December 20:
Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The God Damn snow plow came by twice.
December 22:
We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the shit fell today and with this freezing fucking weather, it wont melt til August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then I got the urge to piss.
December 23:
I was going to go ice fishing today, but the fucking worms froze and I didnt want the fish to break their teeth on my fucking bait.
December 24:
If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking plow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour throwing the shit all over what used to be my lawn.
December 25:
Merry Christmas! They predict 20 more fucking inches of the white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking shovels full of snow 20 inches is? Assholes! Fuck Santa, he doesnt have to bust his balls shoveling shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I rapped him upside his fucking head with the snow shovel!
December 26:
Guess who the fuck got 28 plus more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever, because the wife is starting to look real good to me!
December 27:
Cock sucking toilet froze. If you go outside, dont eat the brown snow.
December 28:
I set fire to the fucking house. Now, I want to see the white shit cling to the roof!!!
What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!