Old and New Jokes

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is. the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks. the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball the little extortionist continues.

Okay. How much? the man replies, after considering the position he is in. Twenty-five dollars. the little boy replies.

Twenty-five dollars! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is. replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

Okay. How much this time! the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

Fifty dollars. the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son. Go get your

ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars. the little boy says.

Seventy-five dollars! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?

The priest says…Dont you start that crap in here now!

Whos there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange ya glad ya dont have cancer?

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?

The guy says, You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.

The bartender says, What do you have?

The guy says, 75 cents.

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.

Whats the matter?

he asked of his friend, did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?

No – its worse than that, replied the friend between sobs, he sold it to me…

Got in trouble for watching a woman breast feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and told her husband to beat the shit out of me….now I admit the flashbulb may have made the baby cry….

First things first:



NO CHEATING Dont cheat.







This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Dont read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes Its worth it.

Its kinda eerie….















First, Get a blank piece of paper and pen.















P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure its people you ACTUALLY KNOW, and go with your first instincts!























Scroll down one line at a time – dont read ahead or youll ruin the fun!!























1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.























2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want.























3.) Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (or same sex if youre gay). Dont look ahead-or it wont turn out right.















































4.) Write anyones name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots. Dont cheat or youll be upset that you did.















































5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.















































6.) Finally, make a wish















































And here is the key for that game..























1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game























2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love.























3.) The person in 7 is one you like but cant work out.























4.) You care most about the person you put in 4.























5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.























6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.























7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.























8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.























9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.























10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but dont worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we dont lose that last engine, or well be up here forever!

The Lipton Company is big on statistics–especially t-tests.

Real programmers dont number paragraph names consecutively.

Two of Bills sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said,
How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?

The other one said It cant be too far. I think we just passed the
tonsils.