Old and New Jokes

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought hed give it a go.



He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, How do you dock the boat? The salesman replied, Well, you really dont dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you dont bang up the finish on the craft.



Well then, the lawyer asked, How do you get out to the sailboat?



Good question. The salesman told him. “You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you dont mind getting wet.“



Oh, I get it, the lawyer replied. . . . Its Row vs Wade.

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe.

Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.



A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.



The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.



Look, its the best place for you now, the policeman replied, Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesnt save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

Mine says the man. My dog has just killed him, she says.

What breed is your dog? he asks. A Chiuahua, she says.

How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

He got caught in his throat!!!

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.

Woman in confession: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Preast: How have you sinned my child?

woman: I called my husband a son of a bitch.

Preast: why did you do this.

woman: First, he took off my shirt.

Preast: Like this, (and he does it to her), that is no reason to call
him a son of a bitch.

woman: then he took off my pants.

Preast: Like this, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

woman then he took off my bra and panties.

Preast: you mean like this, that is no reason to call him a son of a
bitch.

woman: but then he had sex with me.

Preast: Like this.

(15 minutes later)

Preast: that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

woman: I know, but a week ago he told me that he had sex with another
woman and he had aids, and I have contracted it.

Preast: Well that Son of a Bitch!

Five out of four people are schizophrenic.

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.

Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. Wheres the clock sir?, she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. Thats not a clock Mr. Clinton !, she exclaimed.

It will be, he replied, Once you put two hands and a face on it !.

[Ed: These are making the rounds again, and Im grabbing some funny ones. ]

* A friend of mine at U of Chicago once calculated the resonant frequency
of his dorms stairwells, bought a test record with that tone on it and
played it into the stairwells from a number of stereos. Apparently had
the entire building shaking visibly before they got scared enough to turn
it off.

* When living in the dorms, I offered to make soup for everyone on a
Sunday night (when dorms dont usually serve a meal). I made the soup
in a toilet bowl, using several of those coil cup heaters. Looked
good, but no one tried it.

* I had a friend who lived in a room next to the study lounge. The
night before finals, I invited him up to my room and then phoned his
room, letting the phone ring until the angry mob in the study lounge
broke down the door and ripped the phone off the wall.

* Someone was foolish enough to penny me into her own room. Amongst
other things, I placed a call to the US Embassy in Nepal. The call
was completed and rung back some time the next day.

* Ran an imaginary student for a student government position. He was
named after a dog. He didnt actually make the ballot because his
false ID was discovered by the administration, but he still won on
write-in votes.

* I had a white cane and dark sunglasses, and I would go with a friend
of mine to a Mall, where he would lead me around as if I was blind.
However, he would be deliberately cruel, leading me into pillars, telling
me the wrong number of steps, and so on. People would get very upset.

* I once learned the day before that a professor would be late to one
of his classes the next day. I made up a pop quiz that was
incredibly hard, and then showed up and handed it out to the class,
telling them that I was a grad student the prof had sent to proctor.

* A friend and I put on surgical greens, masks, booties and so on, and
then splashed red food coloring on ourselves. Then we burst into the
medical library, arguing loudly, and go over to the reference copy of
Grays Anatomy. I leaf through it, peer at a picture, and point and
say triumphantly See, I told you it was on the left side. What are
you, dyslexic? My friend looks abashed, shrugs, and we walk out.

* One that I never got a chance to do: Wait until someone brings a
cute little puppy on to campus. Then, later that day, rush onto the
dorm floor with the puppy wrapped in a bloodstained blanket. Explain
to everyone that the dog was hit by a car and it has a large sliver of
glass in its side. You dont think it will live long enough to get it
to a vet, so youre going to pull the sliver yourself and try and stop
the bleeding. Go into your room (with the pet owner) and close the
door. Play a previously prepared tape of a dog whining and barking in
pain, and say things like Jesus Christ! Hold it still! Oh, shit,
Im going to be sick. What the hell is that? and so on. (I
couldnt find the sound effect on the day the puppy was there.)

Those are the ones that come to mind off hand.

— Scott

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?

Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, General Wheeler.

Im sorry, I cant let you through. Youve got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said, Drive on!

The sentry said, Hold it! You really cant come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated, Im telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, Im new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?