Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

A: An interpreter.

Q. If one Mexican is playing basketball with another Mexican, what is it colled?

A. Juan on Juan

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win AirbagsDetroit – With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11% since 1997, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the companys 2004 cars. Auto accidents have never been so exciting, said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2004 sales significantly. When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a years worth of free Mobil gasoline.Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2004, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner! said Cincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!Its really addictive, said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. Ive already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win those tickets – even if it kills me!Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats u

Oh beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain.For stripmined mountains majesty,
Above the asphault plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee.And hides the pines with billboard signs,
From sea to oily sea

Yo mama is like a shotgun. Two cocks and shes ready to go.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, Theyre lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Look em over and pick the one you want.
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion. Well, said the man, shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
Well, the man replied, shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect. Shes the one I want to marry. So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
Well, explained the farmer, She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cozy!
Cozy who?
Cozy whos knocking!

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one. Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, There is another on the way, so call back later.

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: The score is ninety-six all out, says the voice, and the last one was a duck.

Se encuentra el Presidente de la República con tres bellas damas en una discoteca: una pelirroja, una rubia y una morena. Sentándose junto a ellas, se dirige a la pelirroja:

Soy el Presidente de la República, ¿cuánto me cobraría por pasar una noche conmigo?

A usted, Sr. Presidente, le cuesta $2000, responde ruborizada la pelirroja.

Luego le hizo la misma pregunta a la rubia y ésta le respondió:

A usted, Sr. Presidente, le cuesta $1000.

Al mirar a la morena y hacerle la misma pregunta, ésta contesta:

Sr. Presidente, si usted puede levantar mi falda tan alto como están los impuestos; bajarme los calzones tan bajos como están los sueldos; sacar esa cosa suya y ponerla tan dura como está la vida; mantenerla tan alta como están los precios de los víveres y cogerme de esa forma tan dulce y delicada como usted se está cogiendo al pueblo, a usted, Sr. Presidente… ¡No le cuesta nada!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,Seven Points.



His wife rolls over and says, What in the world was that?

The old man replied, Its fart football!



A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –

Touchdown, tie score!



After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –

Touchdown, Im ahead 14 to 7!



Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –

Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –

Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!



Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.



The wife looks and says, What the heck was that?



The old man replied, Half-time, Switch sides!