Old and New Jokes

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this…

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is 12 inches.

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Win Ben Steins Undies

A guy walks into a bar. Hes a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says, All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

You got a problem, buddy? No, Im just on the wrong side of the bar!

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesnt have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, How many grains of sand are in the beach? Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, Heres this weeks question, Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, Okay, whos the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

There were three construction workers who ate lunch together everyday at the top of the building they were working on. One was Italian, another was German, and the third was Polish. One day they were all grumpy and complaining about their lunches. The Italian guy says, If I get stromboli one more time, Im gonna jump off the building!

The German guy says, And if I get bratwurst one more time, Ill jump off the building, too!

The Polish guy says, Yeah, me too, Im sick of kilbasa! Ill jump, too!

The next day, the Italian guy says, Oh, thank God, I got pizza!

The German guy says, Hurray! I got schnitzel!

And the Polish guy says, Damn, I got kilbasa again! Im jumping! And sure enough, he jumps off and dies.

The two others have to call his wife and give her the grim news that hes committed suicide. Crying, she says, Thats strange, he was so happy when he left this morning…He had made his own lunch!

It was John The Milkmans birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an enormous birthday breakfast. Then she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom, where they had the most amazing sex.

A couple of hours later as John was leaving the house, Mrs Jones pressed a pound coin into his hand.

Im sorry, he said, but Ive got to ask – why the pound?

Well, said Mrs Jones, I said to my husband last night Its the milkmans birthday tomorrow, what shall we give him? and he replied Oh screw the milkman, give him a pound. The breakfast was my idea!

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would have left President Clinton a long time ago.

In response, Clinton said, Well if Pamela Anderson were Hillary, nothing would ever have happened in the first place!

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, What did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

The man replied, I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, BAD DOG!

Una gitana caminaba por la calle, se topa con un señor a quien le dice:

Dame tu mano, si me das cien pesos, te quito la sal.

El señor le responde:

Le doy quinientos pesos, ¡pero quíteme el azúcar!

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.

She called it Harrybutt.

She had a child and named in Crack.

She lost Crack and couldnt find him.

So she called the police and said, I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldnt find my crack!