Old and New Jokes

PRESS RELEASE

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.

Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations. The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply Money (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apples theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stacs pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples.

Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of Money always at my fingertips. Gates further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software, continued Gates.

Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISVs appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question. Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show. Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would all be using it soon. Jim Seymour stated that the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States. Hillary Clinton was not available for comment.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes, said the genie, But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.

The mans most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. Lets see. My first wish is… He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, …to live in a ten story luxury mansion.

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable. said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

What is your final wish, Master? asked the genie.

I want to lose a testicle, said the man.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frost-bite!

Years ago a friend was driving his late 60s muscle car on a turnpike at about
100 MPH. Soon an officer sternly stated, License and registration.

Several minutes later he returned with a written warning for driving 100 in a
65 zone.

The offender said, Not to be disrespectful, but how do you decide when to give
a ticket and when to give a written warning?

The officer stated, It depends on … the nature of the offense …
the condition of the road … the weather … the attitude of the offender …
or in this case Im out of tickets.

One day the African chiefs wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

You have been fucking my wives, he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendels laws of genetics to the wrathful black.

You see that herd of sheep, he said pointing to the chiefs herd, Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them.

OK! OK! said the chief. You keep your mouth shut and so will I.

Good girls say Thanks for a wonderful dinner …
Bad girls say, Whats for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girls man …
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties …
Bad girls dont wear any.

Good girls wax their floors …
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot …
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner …
Bad girls make reservations

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies …
Bad girls know they could do better

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss …
Bad girls never do either, unless hes very, very rich.

Good girls believe youre not fully dressed without a strand of pearls …
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food …
Bad girls love italian waiters.

What do you call a hundred lesbians meeting a hundred politicians?

Two hundred people who dont do dick.

Heard from Karen Mueller:

YFEM = Your Favorite Ethnic Minority

A great YFEM hunter was tramping through the woods one day, when he
found a ravishing young woman, totally naked, lying on a blanket.
After staring at her breathlessly for some moments he asked:

Are you game?

I sure am, she replied.

So he shot her.

10. Thou shalt help other users.