Old and New Jokes

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says, Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? Ive got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says, Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there isnt any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?

De-calfanated.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you
think I   could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre
not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears
the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We cant tell you. Youre not a
monk. The man says, all right, all right. Im dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk, The man sets about his task. Forty-five
years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles
on the earth,  The monks reply, congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound, The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door, The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "Whatll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking."

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.

Una comisión de mujeres trataba de llegar a un acuerdo acerca de qué es lo mejor para lograr la plenitud sexual. Las opiniones estaban divididas del siguiente modo:

Siempre podés elegir entre un consolador y un hombre, pero éste último te da las siguientes ventajas:

1. Si no llegás al orgasmo tendrás a quien echarle la culpa.

2. Él se encarga de pagar la noche de diversión.

3. Te hace regalos para conseguir una próxima vez.

Aunque hay que reconocer que el consolador también tiene sus ventajas:

1. No te dice cosas que no te creés ni de lejos, para lograr meterse dentro de ti.

2. No le tenés que decir estuvo muy bueno, justo cuando te estabas por echar el cuarto.

3. Una vez que lo usaste no te despierta con los ronquidos.

4. Es diet: endulza pero no engorda.

La comisión se expidió definitivamente en favor del segundo elemento, aunque por cuestiones económicas, conviene tener las dos posibilidades a mano.

Llega un negrito del Choco y observa a su patrona desde un agujero de la puerta, mientras ésta sale totalmente desnuda y se despereza diciendo: Uuuuyy qué modorra…

El negro, admirado de escuchar el amplio léxico de la patrona, se va inmediatamente para donde la negra que era su mujer y repite la escena que vio donde la patrona; mientras tanto la negra va saliendo y lo observa todo desnudo y le grita la negra:

¡Ay José María, vos que haces todo viringote allí!

Y le responde el negro, queriendo imitar a la patrona para llamar la atención de la negra:

¡Uuuuyy, negra, es que tengo una gonorrea…!

Va el león caminando por la selva, cuando de pronto se encuentra con el burro el cual está llorando y leyendo la biblia.

El león al verlo así decide preguntarle:

¿Por qué estás llorando?

Y el burro contesta:

Mira, es que aquí dice: Con la misma vara que mides te van a medir…