Old and New Jokes

A little girl jumps on Santas lap:

Girl: For Christmas, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.

Santa: Dont you know Barbie comes with Ken?

Girl: Oh no Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I. Joe.

Theres a Buckeye fan from Ohio driving from Columbus to Ann Arbor, and a Wolverine fan driving from Ann Arbor driving to Columbus. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Wolverine guy manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, Man, I am really lucky to be alive!
Likewise the Buckeye guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, I cant believe I survived this wreck!
The Wolverine guy walks over to the Buckeye guy and says, Hey, man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.
The Buckeye guy thinks for a moment and says, You know, youre absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Im going to see what else surrvived this wreck. So the Buckeye guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Wolverine, I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.
The Wolverine says, Youre right! And he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Wolverine hands it back to the Buckeye and says, Your turn! The Buckeye twists the cap back on the bottle and says, Nahh, I think Ill wait for the cops to show up.

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

A professor of a Freshman Psychology course had a class of 400 students. His final exam was scheduled very early 8am-10am.

The professor told his students that his final was not a cumulative final and just covered the information since the last midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and would only require 1 hour of the 2 hour alloted time. The professor told the students to bring a large Blue Book (fyi: a Blue Book is a standard testing tool used throughout many universities. Its basically a thin 10 blank pages of college ruled notebook paper with a blue cover. They are purchased at the student book store.) The professor was adament that the students were only going to have 1 hour and not one minute more to complete the essay style exam.

The students requested the exam to begin at 9am instead of 8am since they only had an hour. The professor denied the request because the professor prefered to use the second hour to begin grading the exams. The students moaned at the idea of waking up early.

On the morning of the exam, the test began at 8:10. At 8:35, a student walked in and picked up the test questions from the professor. The professor told the student he wouldnt have enough time to complete the test. The student replied Yes I will.

At 9:10, the professor stopped the test and all the students turned in their blue books as they exited the room. The late student continued to write. The professor began grading some the exams.

At 9:35, the student walked up to the desk to hand in his exam, and the professor told him it was unacceptable. The student in a surprised manner asked the professor, Do you know who I am? The professor replied, No, and I dont care.

The student said, Good, and he stuffed his exam in the middle of the stack of 300 blue books. Have a nice Summer said the student as he left the room.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, I cant find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think its due to drinking.

In that case, said the patient, Ill come back when youre sober

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.



The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.

You have to have sex with me when I ask.



She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.



So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.



Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!



Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!



No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said Its Al Gore. Hes up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

Donations! I said, How much you got so far?

He said about ten gallons.

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Dont worry about it. Youll pass eventually.

Liz: Im the examiner!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.