Old and New Jokes

Two fags walk into a gay bar. One fag says to the other, Do you cum here often?

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens bottom.

An after the election bonus: Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

–Rhodes Scholar Bill Clinton

The Boss has just chewed you out for no reason at all, you are looking to revenge yourself, do you:

Hide his coffee mug in an unusual place each morning.
Create a cache of pornographic images and arrange for them to be found on his computer (with accompanying history file and bookmarks).
Curse him loudly in the name of Zoroaster, knock him down and insert an apricot colored miniature poodle into his rectum.

A speeding driver weaves through traffic, cutting you off. He then flips you the bird for no reason:

Note his license plate number and report his driving skills to the local constabulary.
Beep your horn and give him the finger twice, once for him and once for the horse he rode in on.
Follow him home, impregnate his wife, daughter and goldfish, slash his tires then kick him in the lug nuts.

A pair of religious cretins arrive at your doorstep, determined to help you find salvation:

Kindly thank them for their time, give them cookies and then send them on their way.
Slam the door in their faces.
Slam the door on their faces until their features are unrecognizable.

A coworker corners you over lunch and starts loudly berating you for eating meat:

Weather it kindly.
Tell he/she/it to mind their own business.
Ask if they want seconds, whip out your penis, condiments and a hot-dog bun.

A coworker is sporting an obvious toupee:

Dont mention it.
Allude to the presence of road-kill on his head.
Rip it from his scalp and then ask how the Mr. Clean audition went.

Men only

Your SO asks you if she has gained weight:

I love you just the way you are. (wimpy, but safe)
A little, but it looks good on you.
An old boyfriend named Ahab just called…

Women Only

Your SO asks if he is the best lover youve ever had:

Yes you are.
You are certainly in the running.
If you ever manage to get it up, Ill tell you.

Scoring:

4 or less – you are cheating, or mathematically inept.

5-12 You have a hope of being subtle, but will probably die from hypertension.

12-16 A reasonable balance.

17 or above: You are about as subtle as a fart in a bathysphere.

Best Wishes,

The (hardly subtle) Reverend Shayne Dark

(c) 1999

A chap is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the
island. She comes up to the chap and she says, How long has it been since you
had a cigarette?

Ten years! he answers.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, Man, oh man! Is that
good!

Then she asks, How long has it been since you had a whisky?

He replies, Ten years!

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle
of malt whisky and gives it to him.

He takes a long swallow and says, Wow, that is fantastic!

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since you had some real
fun?

And the man replies, My God! Do not tell me that you got golf clubs in there!

Three Vampires walk into a Vampire-bar. The first Vampire says Ill have a Blood.

The second Vampire says Blood for me too, please.

The third Vampire says Ill have a Plasma.

So the bartender says OK, thatl be two Bloods, and a Blood Lite.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
Somewhere I havent been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen.We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said, There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!
So I bought her an electric chair.

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has
7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries
two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband.
Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husbands
death she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, At
least theyre finally together. A guy sitting in the
front row says, Excuse me father, but do you mean her
and her first husband, or her and her second husband?
The priest says, I mean her legs.

Dont have more than two children in one year

Mens Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We dont know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, dont even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship.

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably dont want to know what were thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying This is our exit is not necessary.

* No, you cant have the remote control.