One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off the coast of England when the scout yells, Theres a English ship on the horizon. Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, who valiantly says, Bring me my red shirt. The captain dons the shirt and the British ship commences the attack. The captain and his men fight valiantly and crush the british attackers.A few days later, the scout yells, There are three English ships on the horizon. Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, and again he says (in his most manly voice), Bring me my red shirt. Again, the English ships begin their attack and the pirates fight off all three of the attacking ships.After the battle is over, one of the mates sheepishly approaches the captain and asks, Sir, why do you keep asking for your red shirt? The captain replies, I ask for the red shirt so if I am injured in battle, you will not see my blood, and will continue to fight. The crew is in awe with these words.The following week, the scout yells, There are ten English ships on the horizon. The crew again looks to the captain, waiting for him to ask for his red shirt. He is silent for a moment and then says, Bring me my brown pants.
Dont worry. Ive had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. I wont come in your mouth, I promise. Im not really married. Its only a cold sore. Looks arent important to me. I like you for your personality. Size isnt important. This wont hurt, I promise. We dont have to go all the way, well just lie here and hold each other. Well always be together. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who dont have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason (corollary to the above law). If you cant stand his mother and he cant stand yours, then youre bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but dont get caught. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when shes tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if its done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa… When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphys number one law on love and sex: Dont fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.(1) Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.
(2) His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.
(3) I would not allow this employee to breed.
(4) This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite wont be.
(5) Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
(6) When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
(7) He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
(8) This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
(9) He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
(10) This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
(11) This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the better.
(12) Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
(13) A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
(14) He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
(15) He doesnt have ulcers, but hes a carrier.
(16) I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
(17) Hes been working with glue too much.
(18) He would argue with a signpost.
(19) He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.
(20) He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
(21) When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
(22) If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ….. hes the other one.
(23) A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
(24) A prime candidate for natural deselection.
(25) Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
(26) Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
(27) Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
(28) If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.
(29) If you give him a penny for his thoughts, youd get change.
(30) If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
(31) Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
(32) One neuron short of a synapse.
(33) Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;….. he only gargled.
(34) Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
(35) The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.
One physician says, Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin so bad that perty soon, they aint gonna be room for everbody! Theresa gonna be standin room only on this here planet!
The other doctor replied, Heck, that sure oughta slow em down a bit!
Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violists fingers?
A: They both never strike the same place twice.
En un convento, una monja salió embarazada y se armó de valor para informarle a la madre superiora.
¿Quién fue el culpable?, inquiere la madre superiora.
Ha sido el espÃritu santo, porque no tuve relaciones con nadie.
Para salir del problema, la monja mayor le dice:
Está bien, retÃrate del convento por 9 meses y después regresas.
Al dÃa siguiente, aparece otra monja con el mismo problema y asÃ, nuevas hermanas se presentan cada dÃa con lo mismo. Pasados tres meses, la superiora reúne a todas las monjas:
Por razones personales tengo que retirarme por nueve meses; pero cuando vuelva, ¡voy a buscar a la persona que le puso semen a las velas!
De acuerdo con los últimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta más efectiva para el ser humano, y más placentera, es la que a continuación se detalla. (A lo largo de varios años y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podrá comprobar la veracidad de los datos estadÃsticos.)
El sexo es la manera más práctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cuántas calorÃas se pierden en cada actividad.
QUITANDO LA ROPA
Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calorÃas.
Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calorÃas.
ABRIENDO EL SOSTÉN
Con las dos manos: 8 calorÃas.
Con una mano: 12 calorÃas.
Con la boca: 85 calorÃas.
COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO
Con erección: 6 calorÃas.
Sin erección: 315 calorÃas.
PRELIMINARES
Intentando encontrar el clÃtoris: 8 calorÃas.
Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calorÃas.
POSICIONES
Misionero: 12 calorÃas.
69 tumbado: 78 calorÃas.
69 de pie: 112 calorÃas (Con ella de pie).
Carretilla: 216 calorÃas.
De perrito: 326 calorÃas.
Candelabro italiano: 912 calorÃas.
TENIENDO UN ORGASMO
Real: 112 calorÃas.
Falso: 315 calorÃas.
POST ORGASMO
Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calorÃas.
Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calorÃas.
Explicar por qué salió de la cama enseguida: 116 calorÃas.
CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCIÓN
Si tiene entre:
20 y 29 años: 36 calorÃas.
30 y 39 años: 80 calorÃas.
40 y 49 años: 124 calorÃas.
50 y 59 años: 972 calorÃas.
60 y 70 años: 2916 calorÃas.
Más de 70 años: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).
Más de 10 años de casado: 4635 calorÃas.
COLOCANDO LA ROPA
Con calma: 32 calorÃas.
Con prisa por salir: 98 calorÃas.
Con el papá de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calorÃas.
Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calorÃas.
Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calorÃas.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
174. Constantly slip and fall–on your carpet.
What would Obi Wan say to his noisy sons.
Obi quiet.
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmers soul the preacher asked the man, Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, Naw, these are soybeans.
You dont understand, said the preacher. Are you a Christian?
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, Are you lost?
Naw! Ive lived here all my life, answered the farmer.
Are you prepared for the resurrection? the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmers attention and he asked, Whens it gonna be?
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, Well, dont mention it to my wife. She dont get out much and shell wanna go all three days.