Old and New Jokes

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?

To which the farmer replied: Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

Llega un tipo con un amigo: Oye, fíjate que tengo unas amigas que están super y quieren divertirse un rato este fin de semana. Necesito que me prestes tu apartamento para impresionarlas.

Claro, no hay problema, te dejo las llaves, total este fin de semana me voy a ver a mis padres. ¿Cuántas son?

Son tres, a ver cómo le hago…

Mira, tengo unas pastillas que me recomendaron para estos casos, pero con cuidado, sólo toma la mitad de una.

Llega el fin de semana y mientras el tipo está esperando a las chavas recuerda el consejo de su amigo y ve el frasco de las pastillas y piensa: Pero son tres… mejor me tomo una completa… bueno otra… bueno otras dos…

Ya el lunes, el dueño del apartamento llega, abre la puerta y ve el sofá destrozado, la mesa de cristal hecha pedazitos, los floreros tirados, la alfombra desgarrada. Pasa a la recámara y ve sábanas rotas, ropa hecha trozos, la cama con los resortes fuera… y en un rincón ve a su amigo todo tembloroso y le pregunta:

¿Que pasó?

¡No llegaron!

Un tipo con una beldad de mujer entra en un restaurante de lujo.

¿Qué tomarán los señores?, pregunta ceremonioso el mesero.

A mí tráigame caviar relleno de faisán y una botella de champán Viuda de Cri-Cri.

Excelente decisión! ¿Y a su señora?

¡A ella mándele un fax y dígale que me la estoy pasando de poca madre!

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal, he starts writing in his notebook.



But Im not a Niners fan, the boy replies.



Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack, says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.



Im not a Raiders fan either, the boy says.



Then what are you? the reporter asks



Im a Cowboys fan!!! the boy says proudly.



The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Redneck bastard kills family pet!

There once was a man from woy woy who had a specch inparment.

One day he walked in to a bakery and asked for a bum,the lady reapeated do you mean a bun sir yeths. He then went to the hard ware store and asked for a fukkit,the man then reapeated do you mean a bucket yeths i do.procedding down the street he went in to the pet store and said may i please have a cockanspankit please the little old lady then reapeatd do you mean a cockaspanial yeths.On his way home his dog ran away he then said to a lady may you plethse hold myyy bum and fukkit while i go get my cockinspankit!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Peru!
Peru who?
Peru your point!

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

How does a Russian commit suicide?

He smells his armpit

How does an American commit suicide?

He tells this joke to a Russian.

Thirty minutes of begging.