A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock.
A friend visits. Dont you think it would help to talk about it?, she asks.
Whats to say? the woman sighs sadly. Its been four weeks – he doesnt call, he doesnt write …
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.
The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didnt really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to – it had a terrible infection over its left eye, which it couldnt even see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.
Hey! he said, Cant you see thats a bad eye deer?
A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the ladys bed with an equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.
Hey, said Thompson, did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New York?
Well, yes answered Topper. You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely wife and child. I gave her your name because youre a bachelor, and I didnt want any complications. I hope I didnt get you into any trouble.
No, no, on the contrary, replied his friend. Her lawyer called me to inform me that I had inherited the manor and the ladys entire estate!
Slash.slash.backslash.escape
a blonde and a brunette were watching the 5 oclock news about a man who was going to jump off a building. the brunette says to the blonde, i bet £50 the man will jump. the blonde accepts the bet. after 10 minutes the man finally jumps. the brunette smiles and the blonde gets out her wallet. the brunette saysi cant take your money, i already saw the news earlier. the blonde says thats alright. i also saw it earlier but i didnt think hed jump again.
yo mamma is so fat she eats her coco pops in a satalite
WARNING – may be offensive to Los Angelenos, Tiny Tim, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, OJ Simpson and women who marry serial killers on death row (sounds like a topic for a talk show…). Includes American politics.
In last weeks debate, Bob Dole accused Bill Clinton of not sticking to his platform. Well, at least he didnt fall off it…
At the end of the debate, Dole closed by inviting young people to check out his Web site. This could be the most tragic attempt at looking hip since William Shatner recorded Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.
In the polls, both Dole and Clinton scored points as agents of change. Right. Each of them motivated millions of Americans to change the channel.
When the stock market hit a record high, Bill Clinton took full credit. When poverty fell to a new low, Clinton took full credit. When unmarried pregnancies declined, well… they dragged him off the stage just in time…
In a television ad featuring Elizabeth Dole, Mrs. Dole says her husband is telling the truth about tax cuts, and that he doesnt make promises unless he intends to keep them. Thats the SECOND Mrs. Dole for those of you keeping track of vows.
The President signed a proclamation declaring this National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I think hes in trouble now – Judge Fujisaki may cite him for violating the gag order.*
Richard Ramirez, known as the Night Stalker, got married last week. Apparently the bride was looking for someone tall, dark and heinous. Since hes on death row, he cant have sex with his new wife, or even talk to her very much. Its almost like theyve been married for years. It turns out the girl misunderstood her mothers advice – she said go find yourself A NICE DOCTOR… not a Night Stalker…
To his credit, Ramirez sais he wants to settle down and change his lifestyle. In fact, hes looking for a day stalking job. (Jay Leno)
The latest book about the OJ Simpson case, An American Tragedy, claims Robert Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran and other defense team members became convinced of Simpsons guilt by the end of the trial. Yeah, about the same time the checks started bouncing.
The Orioles controversial Roberto Alomar won his sixth straight Gold Glove award. It was an emotional moment – there wasnt a dry umpire in the whole place.
Disney received approval to build a new theme park called The California Adventure. The park will include such hits as Mudslideland, Earthquakeland, Riotland and Infernoland.
In Los Angeles, Northrop Grumman unveiled its new stealth bus, made from materials similar to those used in the B-2 bomber. Stealth buses are nothing new in LA – you could wait at a bus stop for hours and never see one.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian came to the aid of a bicyclist injured in a traffic accident. When the victim saw who was working on him, he said, Wait! I want a second opinion! Despite his heroic efforts, the victim survived.
Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who resigned as surgeon general amid furor over her support for teaching kids about masturbation, has a new book out. I bought a copy – just for the articles, of course. I had a hard time finding it – I didnt know if it was in with the biographies or with the do-it-yourself books.
Tiny Tim is out of the hospital after suffering a heart attack on stage. While he has no chance of ever being normal, doctors hope he can return to his old self in no time.
A stolen Picasso portrait was recoverd. The painting was thoroughly checked to make sure everything was out of place.
A bill was signed into law making air travel safer and less frightening. I guess this means no more in-flight meals?
M & M candies are being made in several new colors, including teal green, dark pink and light orange. A company spokesman said, We got a great deal on Dennis Rodmans leftover hair dyes.
And finally, police in Peoria, Illinois arrested a 30 year old woman, protesting the incarceration of her husband, after she was discovered on the lawn of the jailhouse completely nude and fondling herself in full view of all the inmates inside. Police arrested her because they said she turned otherwise harmless prisoners into HARDENED criminals!!!
*Judge Fujisaki is presiding over the OJ Simpson civil trial.
A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wont ripen. Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and shes getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?
Her neighbor replies,Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do. Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.
She says Well, what the heck it cant hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
So-so, she answers. The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.
HabÃa una ves un negro que todos los dÃas venÃa a una estatua de San Marcos en la iglesia y siempre decÃa: Está cabrón, está cabrón.
Hasta que un dÃa un padre vino y le preguntó que porqué siempre decÃa eso. El negro le contesto:
Mire padre, yo soy negro, mi mamá es negra, mi esposa es negra, pero mis hijos son güeros.
El padre le respondió:
No, pos entonces sà está cabrón.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..