Old and New Jokes

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You cant tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin and dealin they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

Elliot, she said, pointing do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?

The husband looked over and nodded.

Well, the woman continued, hes been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!

The husband returned to his meal. Nonsense, he said, even thats not worth so much celebrating!

Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy

Star Wars

10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I dont care what you smell!
9. Luke, at that speed do you think youll be able to pull out in time?
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
7. Youve got something jammed in here real good.
6. Arent you a little short for a stormtrooper?
5. You came in that thing? Youre braver than I thought.
4. Sorry about the mess…
3. Look at the size of that thing!
2. Curse my metal body, I wasnt fast enough!
1. She may not look like much, but shes got it where it counts, kid.

The Empire Strikes Back

10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.
9. Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?
8. Theres an awful lot of moisture in here.
7. But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm…
6. Thats okay, Id like to keep it on manual control for a while.
5. Hurry up, golden-rod…
4. I mustve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled
up like that, huh kid?
3. Possible he came in through the south entrance.
2. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
1. Control, control! You must learn control!

Return of the Jedi:

10. Hey, point that thing someplace else.
9. I look forward to completing your training. In time you will
call me master.
8. I never knew I had it in me.
7. There is good in him, Ive felt it.
6. Grab me, Chewie. Im slipping — hold on. Grab it, almost… you
almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie.
5. Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.
4. Back door, huh? Good idea!
3. Shes gonna blow!
2. I think youll fit in nicely.
1. Rise, my friend.

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.



I want to go to McDonalds and think that its a four star restaurant.



I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.



I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.



I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.



I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didnt bother you, because you didnt know what you didnt know and you didnt care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.



I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.



I want to believe that anything is possible.



I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.



I want to live simple again. I dont want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.



I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.



So….heres my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, youll have to catch me first, cause, Tag! Youre It!

Always good advice:



1) Backup your important files.



2) Defragment your hard drive.



3)Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through
the alphabet, having each child think up a word
that starts with a letter. They get to W, and the
teacher figures Little Johnny cant think up
anything dirty with a W so she calls on him.

Womb!, Little Johnny says.

Thats a good word, Johnny, teacher says. Is
that as in where babies come from? she asks.

No, says Johnny, Thats the sound elephants
make when theyre screwing… you know, Womb!
Womb! Womb!

Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.

Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.

Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days cause it says concentrate.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

Yo mama so stupid she hears its chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you What is the number for 911

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under Education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.

Yo mama so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.

Yo mama so stupid she couldnt read an audio book.

Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying Hi! Hitler.

Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.

Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.

Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said guess so she said levis.

Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, These walls aint green!!

Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled weres my gumball.

Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!

Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.

Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.

Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said whats new!

Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said WET FLOOR, So she did.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

A guy from Texas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she cant touch it til shes 14.How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married? Theres dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pick-up truck.Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Texas? Documentaries.Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, Got any I.D.? and the driver replies Bout wut?Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.The governors mansion in Alabama burned down! Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books — poof! — up in flames and he hadnt even finished coloring one of them.A new law was recently passed in Mississippi: When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.