Old and New Jokes

Three men were lost inthe jungle and were captured by natives they were about to be killed when they were all asked if they wanted one last thing before they were killed. the first man asked for a beer he got one drank it and was killed the native who killed him says he make good canoe cover. the next man said can i get a fag so he got one smoked it and was killed. the native says ah he also make good canoe cover . finally it was the last mans turn he asked for a fork he tokk it and stabbed himself all over his body filling himself with holes and says to the native youre not making fucking canoe covers out of me

It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.

Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event … Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally…..scientists stumped.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, What do you see?

The patient replies, Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, What do you see?

Patient answers, Two people are having sex in a square room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, What do you see now?

Patient replies, Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?

Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.

If you cant get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when theyre busy.

Climb your way to the top, thats why the curtains are there.

Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, I care.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

A: Because red means stop.

A man was walking across the road when he met an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully : You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying…

She squeezed his hands as he continued: When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply….

He continued: Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now… And you were still beside me…

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me…Theres something Ill really like to say to you…

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, I think you bring me bad luck!

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

–Responsibility makes me nervous.

–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldnt work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

–Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.

–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

–Im a rabid typist.

–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.