Old and New Jokes

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gores life?
A: Grade six.

En clase, la profe pregunta a los niños:

¿Quién de vosotros sabría decirme como se puede meter un agujero en otro agujero?

Carmencita levanta la mano:

Yo sé cómo se hace.

¿Cómo?, pregunta la profe.

Entonces, Carmencita une el pulgar con el índice de las dos manos formando un anillo y luego los apoya alrededor de la boca.

Ya está, señora profesora, un agujero en otro agujero.

Muy bien. Y ahora ¿a ver quién sabe como meter tres agujeros en un agujero?

Carmencita levanta la mano.

Dime, Carmencita.

Lo mismo de antes, señora profesora, pero esta vez los dedos hay que ponerlos alrededor de la boca y los agujeros de la nariz. Así, señora, tres agujeros en uno.

Muy bien, Carmencita. Y ahora ¿quién sabría como meter cinco agujeros en un agujero?

Carmencita vuelve a levantar la mano.

Dime Carmencita.

Muy fácil, señora profesora. Lo mismo que antes, pero ahora los dedos cubren boca, nariz y ojos. Así, cinco agujeros en uno.

Entonces, Jaimito que se está cansando de que Carmencita se lo sabe todo, anuncia:

Señora profesora, quiero hacer yo ahora una pregunta: ¿cómo se hace para meter 9 agujeros en un agujero?

Nadie contesta. Hasta Carmencita se queda callada. Entonces, la maestra asegura:

No lo sabemos, Jaimito, ¿por qué no nos lo explicas?

¡Fácil, metemos una flauta por el culo de Carmencita!

En plena noche de luna de miel, la virgen e inexperta esposa, al ver que su marido calzaba bastante grande le dice al esposo:

Espera mi amor, me voy a poner cremita.

A lo que el portentoso marido le contesta:

¿Cremita?… ¡Ja! ¡Te vas a poner MORADA!

Wuz de night befo Crismus



An all ober de hood



Everybody wuz sleepin



Day wuz sleepin good.



Everbody wuz sleepin



all tight in they beds



Whilst Thunderbird Wine



Danced in they heads



I was passed out on de flo



Right next to my Ma



When I heard such a fuss



I thinked It must be de law!!



I looked out tru de barz



dat covered my do



Spectin de sherif



with a warrant fo sho!



Now ober de years



Sanny Claws, he be white.



But it lookin like us bros



got a black Sanny dis night



Now what I did see



made me say LAWD Lood at dat!



It was a huge watermellon cadi



pulled by dwarf rats



Faster than a po-lice car



True de air he came



an whupped up on dem warf rats



an called emm by name.



On Leroy, on Kendrick,



On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious



They was a sight to see



He didnt go down no chimbly



-just picked de lock on my do



An I says to myself-



Shit! He done did befo!



He had a big sack



full of presents I spect



With Air Jordans and Fake Gold



to go round my neck.



But he didnt leave any presents



-just started steelin my shit



He got my drugs, my stoled guns



an even my burglars kit!



With his sack on his back



Out de winder he flew



I sho woulda catched em,



but he stole my knife too!



He jumped on dat watermelon cadi



and pulled out a switch



He was gone in a second



dat son-of-a-bitch



I sho hope nex year



a white Sanny we git



Cause de black Sanny Claws



jus aint wuf a shit!

These are from my temp job as a reader for the Psychological Corporation (a division of Harcourt-Brace. Yes, the textbook people). At the Scoring Center we graded standardized tests. I got off okay, though, I could have been one of the people running the Scan-Tron portions through the machines for eight hours a day. Instead, I graded essays. I worked on two projects: the Oklahoma sixth-grade test and the L.A. high school test. To keep our sanity, we posted some of the more creative statements on the bulletin board at the front of the room. So you can rest assured that these *are* true, and havent been running around the Net (except when I posted them to alt.grad.skool.sux last year) and gaining fake examples.



These two examples are from the Oklahoma test. Students were told to write an essay taking a stand on whether or not you should be able to wear headphones while riding a bicycle. They were mostly really boring, and occasionally inexplicable (none of us could ever figure out what an obtuse pothole was), but heres three … different … ones:



If you wear portable radios with earphones, you could be in the way of a major emergency trying to take place.



The car honked, he didnt hear and was ran over. His name was Jason and I did not like him anyway. So I think that people should be able to listen to radios on their bikes.



I also feel a sense of comfort and ease when I am associating with complete musical sounds that are objective upon my contrast and knowledge.



**Now for the L.A. ones. Keep in mind as you read that these are high school students. They were given a list of jobs available in a mall and told to write a job application essay describing their qualifications. You can figure most of the jobs out from context; when its not clear I added it in brackets. [salesperson at clothing, music or pet stores, food service cook or cashier, security guard, gardener, childcare service] Actually, a lot of them were heartrending, because this was only a few months after the L.A. riots, and a number of kids told about losing their jobs because their workplaces had been burned down. Original spelling and grammar has been preserved, and sometimes I couldnt refrain from editorial comment [in brackets].



I am the star basketball.



I have had a lot of experience with gardening. When I was in kindergarten I had the only bean that sprouted. [Better than mine!]



My name is Charles Xavier.



My past experiences include a part-time job as a lawnmower for half a year.



When it comes dwon to education Im a geniuos…



I am Albert Einsteins illegitimate son…Ive also built an atomic bomb in my room.



I am the three oldest of six children.



I can cook good and respect costumers as well. [Good thing to do in L.A….]



I had 2 very good childhood.



My credit is as clear as a young child. [And mine is a clear as an old man…]



Im…intneding to graduate as a valivictorian.



My grades are superior with a 5.2 average.



My background is personal because I dont like tell people my business.



Trust me. Im a really nice person.



I can sell dirt to a streetperson.



I can cook real food. Not like tacos and burgers.



I graduated school with a. I.Q.



My goal as an adult is to be a European fashion designer. [As opposed to am *American* fashion designer?]



Animals are my favorite living things next to humans.



Alot of people tell me that I can sell the Brooklen Bridge back to Brooklen.



I used to do that but I got fired because the store broke.



Im the present of the class.



I would take good care of the cash register and this store if I am haired.



I am a member of Save the Extinct Animals.



Ive washed many animals.



I would be glad if you would hire me for this job. You would regret it.



I have good educational background. My parents went to school.



I worked in a flower shop as a flowers assistant.



I enjoy the smell of food.



I used to teach english in Highschool.



I would like to work with a cashier because Ive experienced many machines like cashiers at my school.



In my spare time I dance with Janet Jackson dancers.



They are sometimes wild, but I could clam them down.



I love any kind of fiction or faction.



Im applying for this type of job [security guard] because I feel Im a very large person.



Im very interesting in that job. [I dont doubt it]



Im 7 years old and Im in eleven grades.



I can hold my breath for 4 minutes [applying for gardeners assistant.]



I have work in a pet stop before.



I heve experience as a cash register.



The reason I am fit for this job is because I have a vulgar display of power.



I will keep the mall safe from unwarted hoodlums.



I think it would be harder for a teenager to sell a teenager something than for a teenager to sell another teenager something.



I will threat the customers in a good manner.



I work at a college where I teach children behavioral problems.



I pick been a fast food cook because I wanted to serve the people food like cakes, meat, bears, soda, fruits…



[security guard] Im big and mean. Im not talking large and pissed off, Im talking tremendous and terrible. The main reason for this is that I dont like people very much and wnat them dead whenever possible. In most fields this would be a turn off but in this field I hope it isnt. [A man after my own heart!]



Im very good in math and I already know how to use a cashier.



I have studied up on the nuances of strange and rare animals, such as the outer Mongolian puffwart and the rare and beautiful pygmy wart hog.



My education label is high and I have too much experience in cooker.



I beleive to unit all of requered for you job.



…and I am a stunedt in all my classes.



I know this job is very hard for non-experimented people.



…I have a lot of experience using a cashier faster and correctly with no mistakes at all.



My father was a zoologist and my mother was an ignoramus.



I learned many skills like computer bricklayer.



My reason for being unemployed was due to my migration to a new home.



I feel that I have had great experiments with animals.



I performed karate on the intruders.



I worked as an ass. to a vet.



I myself have read books.



I read over0 books in my past life that number will increase once I start finishing other of my books.



[security guard] Im a Black Belt in Karate. I have a Masters degree and a PhD in Philosophy, to outsmart the bad guy and make them understand reality.



My innocence makes me likeable while my charisma keeps me strong.



I like the way organization works.



I have no criminal record at this time.



I liked to feed my animal and be lovely with them.



My personal quality is grammer.



…and if you dont give me this job I will hunt you down and I will bug you and be a pest until you give me a job.



I have a PhD in fast food cooking. I am a highschool graduate and a former employee at Roscoes Chicken and Waffles.



Guys at school wil beat me up if I dont get the money in a month. Please, I need the job so badly.



Ive had certain experiences with my aunts lingerie shop and my uncles statue shop. [This is my favorite. The mind boggles…]



I would also like to meet nica and Pretty women, but do assure you that they will not enterfere with my work.



[If I get this job] I will make it wroth your wall.



I got a B+ in math! It would have been an A if I turned in my agendas.



I myself was once a child.



I now how to spell.



I have work in this occupation before and have mostly good experiences. Except the time I sat on a rat. Se I am truthful.



I am a direct descendant of Elliot Ness.



I am frequently punctual.



I have only one arm so people will feel sorry for me and buy anything I ask them to.



There I took vegetarian classes.



You can get alone with me easy.



I was raised by wolves in the San Joaquin Valley.



…animal viabior…



…earthquack…



I also think my past personalities would work at this job.

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house
in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged
through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the
house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her
husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the
wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After
arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and
smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his
legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor.
His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the
back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance
crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded
the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one
of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped
the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and
broke his arm.

Now that is a bad day…

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets
a girl with no legs, crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"Ive never been hugged," she says.
The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"Ive never been kissed," she says.
The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"Ive never been screwed," she says.
The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now youre screwed."

Not Recommended Books for Children

26. Bob the Germs Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.

25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.

24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeers Games of Revenge..

23. Peter Rabbits Frisky Adventures.

22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The Hood.

21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

18. The Tickling Babysitter

17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.

16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

12. David Dukes World of Imagination.

11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

9. Legends of Scab Football.

8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.

7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Cant Remember the Endings to All of them.

5. Ed Beckleys Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Moms Purse.

4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

2. Lets Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

Heres Some Advice from Kids, Aged Eight to Fourteen:

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Sleep in your clothes so youll be dressed in the morning.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Dont ever be too full for desert.

When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer him.

Never tell your mom her diets not working.

Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grad in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone.

Never try to baptize a cat.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never do pranks at a police station.

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like its moving.

Never tell your little brother that youre not going to do what your mom told you to do.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1) Cain wasnt Abel.

2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.

3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.

4) Solomon – neither heaven nor Earth could move him.

5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.