Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as youre about to run him (or her) over with a steam roller?
A: B flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: C flat major.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.
My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts dont always match up with what I believe.
A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais Ocean Cruise Only 5$.
She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.
The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.
The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.
When the blonde wakes up, shes tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.
The blonde she looks at her freind and says So do you think theyre going to serve us some food on this trip?
And the other blonde replies They didnt serve any last year?
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.
Why dont you try playing doctor for an hour? Thats what I do, said Irving.
Sounds great, Morris replied, but how do you make it last for an hour?
Thats easy…just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!
UNIFIED FIELD THEORY by TIM JOSEPH
In the beginning there was Aristotle,
At objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw that it was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved
and matter was conserved,
And God saw that it was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general, but some
of it was especially relative.
Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantified,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was confusing.
Then God was going to create Ferguson,
And Ferguson would have unified,
And he would have fielded a theory,
And all would have been one,
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested,
And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.
Gore: (G)ennifers (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.
Good God Holmes! said Watson, What kind of a schoolgirl is this?
Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.
An Arab, a Russian, a Jamaican, and an American are on a boat. The Russian takes out a big flask of vodka, takes a sip, and then throws it over board. The American asks him why he did that. Where I come from, we have plenty of vodka. Then, the Jamaican takes out a big roll of weed, then smokes a little puff, and throws it over board, and the American asks why he did that. Where I come from, we have plenty of that. The Russian then asks,There must be plenty of something where you come from.
The American then throws the Arab over board.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mata!
Mata who?
Mata of life and death!