Old and New Jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you havent met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but dont count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, youre halfway through it before you realize its a do-it-yourself thing.

A: Because they cant fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 42.

Two gays are having sex, when suddenly a guy on the TV says that there is an emergency, and everyone has to leave the city. Which one is ready to leave first?

The one on the bottom, hes already got his shit packed.

• Antes sufría de amnesia, ahora no me acuerdo.

• Al seis lo inventaron en un dos por tres.

• El negocio más expuesto a la quiebra es el de la cristalería.

• Intenté suicidarme y casi me mato.

• Hay quienes estropean relojes para matar el tiempo.

• No quiero trabajar como conductor de autobús porque no me gustan las cosas pasajeras.

• El mejor amigo del perro es otro perro.

• Ahorro debería escribirse sin h, para economizar una letra.

• Dicen que cuando Piscis y Acuario se casan, el matrimonio naufraga.

• Algunos matrimonios acaban bien, otros duran toda la vida.

• El matrimonio es como las libretas de ahorro: de tanto meter y sacar, se pierde el interés.

• El fabricante de ventiladores vive del aire.

• El diabético no puede ir de luna de miel.

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didnt need him anymore.



One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.



The scientist says to God – God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and Ive come to tell you that we really dont need you anymore. I mean, weve been coming up with great theories and ideas, weve cloned sheep, and were on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really dont need you.



God nods understandingly and says. I see. Well, no hard feelings.

But before you go lets have a contest. What do you think?



The scientist says, Sure. What kind of contest?

God: A man-making contest.



The scientist: Sure! No problem.

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, Okay, Im ready!



God replies, No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oswego!
Oswego who?
Oswego marching, marching home …!

Why was Tigger lickin the toilet?

Cause he was lookin for Pooh!

A lady and her baby…

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, AHHHH! Thats the ugliest child Ive ever seen in my life!
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, Are you ok, dear? The lady replies, Im so angry, that bus driver just insulted me. The man says, You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and Ill watch your monkey.