Old and New Jokes

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

Va un tipo en su coche por la carretera, cuando ve un letrero en una desviación:

Burdel de las Hermanitas de la Caridad, 1 Km.

Al tipo le pica la curiosidad y se dirige hacia allí. Al final del camino, se encuentra un convento antiguo con un letrero que dice:

Burdel de las Hermanitas de la Caridad.

El degenerado tipo llama al portón y le abre una monjita, quien lo hace pasar. En la entrada de un pasillo se encuentra otra monjita con un cepo y un letrero que dice:

Pague por adelantado: $500 pesos.

El fulano saca sus $500, los mete al cepo, y se va por el pasillo. Al final del pasillo hay una puerta, el tipo la abre y va a dar al lugar en donde dejó su coche. Allí ve un letrero que dice:

Se lo han cogido las Hermanitas de la Caridad. Vuelva pronto.

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.



The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!

This morning, National Public Radio reported that Monica Lewinsky had
been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle. Immediately, four
things came to my mind:

She must have blown a rod.
Obviously, her driving sucks too.
Its not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
I wonder how badly this accident stained her dress?

Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption. Says Jay
Leno, But LA is still No. 1 if you include recreational use. You know
— naked wrestling, Jell-O shots.

Did you here about the new tractor Reagan designed for farmers?

It has no seat or steering wheel.

Its meant for the farmer that lost his ass and doesnt know
which direction hes going.

Wendell Wilcox

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”

Q. Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the synagogue

You might be a redneck if…
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.