Old and New Jokes

Today the office of personnel management announced the holiday schedule for all federal employees for the year 2000.

There will be two less holidays in the washington d.c. area next year.

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled.

The witch is moving to New York and shes taking the turkey with her.

Why are some men uncircumcised?

The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order> Huh?
<Evil> Dont let him bug ya. Were here.
<Truth> My opposite is not here.
<Good> Is your opposite Lies?
<Truth> My opposite is Void. He couldnt make it.
<Evil> >snicker< Figures!
<Order> Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good> I have the cards.
<Evil> Ive got the chips.
<Truth> I have the beer.
<Chaos> I have the cards!
<Order> Shut up.

…

<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Evil> Do ya gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth> It is Goods deal.
<Good> OK, five card draw…uh, everything is wild.
<Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if…
<Order> I like this game.
<Evil> This is pointless.
<Truth> It is time to deal.
<Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth> Five.
<Order> Five and raise you five.
<Evil> Dont you morons get it? It doesnt matter how much you bet!
<Order> I like ten better.
<Evil> >sigh< Call.
<Chaos> I fold.
<Evil> YOU CANT LOSE!
<Chaos> I still fold.
<Good> OK, Ill call. How many, Truth?
<Evil> Whats the point in taking more cards?
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.
<Order> I will take two.
<Evil> Why?!?
<Order> I didnt like those.
<Evil> None for me.
<Chaos> Ill take six.
<Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil> Oh, just get this over with.
<Order> But now we have to bet!
<Evil> Any money you put in, youre just gonna get back!
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
<Truth> I have five aces.
<Order> I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos> I have a three.
<Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, readem and weep.
<Good> Where did you get that card?
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pots mine.
<Good> That was a stupid game.
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos> Whee!
<all but Chaos> >groan<
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-holdem with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild…fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens dont count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing…
<Order> I fold…

[Ed: written by Brian Cash (bcash@nortel.ca), and originally appeared in talk.bizarre]

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. And leaves quickly!

The barkeep lisps, Whats wrong?

The country boy replies, You wouldnt believe what is going on in there.

What?

The country boy is shaking his head, Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM.

The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question.

The guy in the middle wouldnt have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?

I think he was. Why?

Hes lucky at cards too!

Se encuentran dos amigas después de muchos años…

Hola María José, ¿cómo estás?

Hola María Emilia, ¿yo muy bien y tú?

Bien, vivo donde siempre, con mis dos hijos; me separe de mi marido por que no lo soportaba más.

Está bien, hay que echarlos cuando una lo cree necesario.

¿Y tú?

Yo bien, en mi casa de siempre también, con mis 12 hijos.

¡12 Hijos!

Sí, 12, y a todos les puse de nombre Juan.

¡A todos Juan! ¿Y cómo haces para llamarlos?

Fácil, Cuando los quiero llamar a comer dijo Juan a comer, y vienen todos. Juan a tomar la leche, y vienen todos, muy fácil.

Ah sí; ¿y cuando quieres llamar a uno solo?

¡Por el apellido…!

Una pareja de novios está en un parque besándose y tocándose por todos lados. El tipo, excitado, decide llevarse a la chica detrás de unos arbustos. Entonces, comienza a desvestirla; la acuesta en el suelo; se saca el pito y… justo en ese momento, dos policías se acercan alumbrándolos con una linterna:

A ver, jovencito, ¿qué estás haciendo?

Estoy orinando.

Sí, claro, ¿y ella que hace allí?

¡Uy, disculpe, casi la orino!, responde mosqueado el chico.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Clarence!
Clarence who?
Clarence sale!

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.