Old and New Jokes

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
–Roseanne Barr

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone. –Elayne Boosler

If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldnt have time to do our hair. –Marlene Dietrich

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck? –Linda Ellerbee

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. –Kin Hubbard

I dont want to sound sexist here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. –Jay Leno

Theres a large amount of evidence saying that the mans point of view is largely irrelevant. –Ralph Noble

Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women
for the chance to fight with them. –Vincent Price

A bachelor needs inspiration in order to seduce a woman, a married man only needs an excuse. –Helen Rowland

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think
theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I
know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. –Jerry Seinfeld

Its not the men in my life that counts, its the life in my men. –Mae West

Ass, n.: The masculine of lass. –Unknown

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which youd like to have dinner
with. –Unknown

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house. –Unknown

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a fever. The doctor examines him and perscribes him some tablets. But there was one catch. He had to take his temperature every day. Internally.you have to stick this themomiter up your anus, the doctor explains. Ill show you now but Im afraid it will hurt.Thats ok, the man said. I have a high pain threshold.The doctor stood beind him and jabbed it up sharply. He explained it had to be really deep to get the right reading. It took several painful tries to get it right. The man went out limping.The next day the man was ready to take his temperature. But he just couldnt get it as deep as the doctor had so he asked his wife to help.She stood beind him, put one hand on his shoulder and rammed it up his backside.The man screames and the wife immediatley stopped.Sorry! Did i hurt you? she asked.No! said the man. He was nearly crying. I just realised that when the doctor did it, he put both his hands on my shoulders!

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man cant believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.

At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.

The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. Thats easy, she says, relief obvious in her voice. All he wants is your pajama pants!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then hes lying.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.

The men left the doctors office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead.

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, I found out my brother is gay.

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, I found out my other brother is gay.

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, I found out my other brother is gay.

The bartender says, Doesnt anyone like pussy anymore?

The guy says, Yeah, my sister.

My God! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.

Aye, that he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord! Didnt you have anything in YOUR hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley. Kelly said. She gave me her purse, but it wasnt much use in a fight!

Eva estaba caliente y le pide a un dinosaurio que se la fornique. Como éste se niega, ella le corta los testículos. Luego, cuando también el mono se niega a sus deseos, le arranca los pelos del culo.

Más tarde, cuando la mujer de Adán se bañaba en un lago, un pescadito se le mete en la zorra.

…

En nuestros días se sabe cómo se extinguieron los dinosaurios y porque los monos tienen el culo pelado. Lo que no se puede saber es el olor original del pescado.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

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* You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.



* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.



* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.



* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.



* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.



* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.



* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.



* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.



* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.



* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.



* Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…itll be a hoot.



* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.



* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.



* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.



* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.



* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.



* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.



* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.



* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.



* If you hear . . . Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…