1. I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

2. Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

4. A man complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then …pow!…it was.. all gone! What happened? asked the friend. Ahhh my wife found out!

5. Wife: Lets go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! Martha responds excitedly, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?! The man responds, I dont care… just so long as youre out of the house by noon!

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?

11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, hes finished.