The Matchmaker

Irving can?t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ?I think I have the perfect girl for you. She?s descended from royalty, she?s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she?s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She?s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She?s also got the nicest personality of anyone you?ve ever met. But there?s one problem: she?s not Jewish.?

Irving says, ?My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ?Leave it to me.?

And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ?Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ?Look, Mrs. Mandelbaum, I don?t mean to speak out of turn, but your boy Irving isn?t getting any younger. To tell you the truth, he?s not so good looking, he doesn?t have a good job, he?s out of shape, he?s scrawny, he?s short, he?s not too bright, he?s still living with his mother, and he?s not exactly irresistible. Let me tell you, this is the best we?re going to get. It may be your son?s last chance. Are you really going to stand in the way of your son?s happiness??

The son chimes in too: ?Look, Ma, I?ve tried and I?ve tried, and I?ve gotten nowhere. This is the only chance I have. I don?t want to be a lonely old man. Please let me do it!?

Tearfully, the mother finally gives in and agrees to the match.

The matchmaker claps her hands together and says, ?Great! Now half my work is done!?

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