Dont go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Dont Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and shell last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy…by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but shes certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding… Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Heres a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But well be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club – We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: Youll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says For the woman I love and the second, For my best friend.

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Heres a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Heres to you and heres to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, heres to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

If you dont want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, dont stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, its curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if hes married.

Its always fun to ask at the reception, What times the grand opening? Or after the honeymoon, Glad to see you back on your feet.

Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Its sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but dont tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..