Department Store Santa Pet Peeves

As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Kids who refuse to believe thats fruitcake on your breath, not gin
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from Americas Most Wanted
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
That billionaire elf from Texas who wont shut up about running for president
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
Kids who dont understand that Santas been a little jittery since he got back from Nam
Constantly being asked, Is Rudolph gay?
Two words: lap rash