Old and New Jokes

* You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked. * You have a bumper sticker that says: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack. * You answer the door before people knock. * You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House. * Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there. * Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other peoples fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Youre so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * All your kids are named Joe. * You dont need a hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. * You dont sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.