CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) – A legal brothel outside Carson City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill Clinton the presidency.

Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen who dont want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital sex with women who blab. The brothel promises strict confidentiality.

Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clintons Senate impeachment trial ends.

He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher Larry Flynt.

The Hustler publisher announced last week that he had uncovered evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned to publish it.

Hof said, Whats this world come to when Larry Flynt is now the congressional morality policeman? I mean, I love Larry, but come on.

Hof, a self-described staunch Republican, said, I didnt vote for Bill Clinton, but the right-wing Republicans are going to such extremes, its making me crazy. Larry did the right thing.

Since the discount offer was made public last week, Hof said he had fielded seven or eight calls a day from reporters and has received a few calls from people claiming to represent unnamed elected officials.

But they have been very cautious not to identify themselves, so we dont know whether they are playing around or are people from the state Legislature.

He goes online and asks if he should fix his lightbulb and waits in the dark for the results to come.

IBM: I Believe in Memorex

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.

Well done Roland, says the teacher. Can anyone else try?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, My Gran says theres a bug going round and its contagious.

Well done, Katie, says the teacher. Anyone else?

Little Johnny jumps up and says, Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

En una familia de color, estaba el pequeño de la casa trasteando en la cocina mientras su madre cocinaba. En eso, tira el recipiente de la harina y ésta le cae encima, dejándolo totalmente blanco. El niño se va a mirar a un espejo y, al verse blanco, va corriendo a decírselo a su madre:

Mamá, mamá, soy blanco.

¡Niño, vete a darle mal a tu padre que estoy cocinando!, le grita la madre.

Papá, papá, soy blanco.

¡Lárgate de aquí que estoy viendo el fútbol, vete con tu hermana!

Mira, me he vuelto blanco, se exhibe con la hermana.

¿Pero no ves que estoy hablando por teléfono? ¡Déjame en paz!

Total que el niño se marcha cabreado gruñendo:

¡Joder, llevo 5 minutos siendo blanco, y ya odio a los negros!

Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?



Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.



Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.



We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.



We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?



If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE.



Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.



Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

Ya mamma is so skinny that when she ate a meatball she thought she was pregnant.

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.



Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.



What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.



The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.



The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for anice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.



And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.



Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Dear Professor:______________________________Date:________



My grade in _______________ should be raised from __________ to ______ because:



There must be a mistake somewhere.



I was not well at the time of the examination.



My mind always goes blank during an examination.



This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.



This is the only course in which I received a poor grade



This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.



Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.



The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject



I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.



I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.



I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.



Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.



The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.



I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.



The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.



Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.



I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question



I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students



At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.



It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.



Signed___________________

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Paula!
Paula who?
Paula up the door handle will you and let me in!