Old and New Jokes

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.

Well done Roland, says the teacher. Can anyone else try?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, My Gran says theres a bug going round and its contagious.

Well done, Katie, says the teacher. Anyone else?

Little Johnny jumps up and says, Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

En una familia de color, estaba el pequeño de la casa trasteando en la cocina mientras su madre cocinaba. En eso, tira el recipiente de la harina y ésta le cae encima, dejándolo totalmente blanco. El niño se va a mirar a un espejo y, al verse blanco, va corriendo a decírselo a su madre:

Mamá, mamá, soy blanco.

¡Niño, vete a darle mal a tu padre que estoy cocinando!, le grita la madre.

Papá, papá, soy blanco.

¡Lárgate de aquí que estoy viendo el fútbol, vete con tu hermana!

Mira, me he vuelto blanco, se exhibe con la hermana.

¿Pero no ves que estoy hablando por teléfono? ¡Déjame en paz!

Total que el niño se marcha cabreado gruñendo:

¡Joder, llevo 5 minutos siendo blanco, y ya odio a los negros!

Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?



Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.



Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.



We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.



We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?



If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE.



Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.



Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

Ya mamma is so skinny that when she ate a meatball she thought she was pregnant.

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.



Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.



What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.



The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.



The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for anice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.



And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.



Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Paula!
Paula who?
Paula up the door handle will you and let me in!

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husbands loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "Thats correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, Im going to break it in half!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts,John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I cant find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? John said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote, Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Safety Tip:

Calculus and automobiles dont mix — never drink and derive

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A: Fertilized.