A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesnt see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesnt find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, –
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.
I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, I believe its snowing. No, it looks too wet to be snow, he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow…
Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!
Collards is green,
my dogs name is Blue
and Im so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blues
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You aint got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yore as satisfyn as okry
jist a-fryn in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as snuff
right out of the can.
You have somea yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when were in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, Im in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yore there fer yore man,
to patch up lifes troubles
and fix what you can.
Yore as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin overhead.
You aint mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Aint nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin.
Me n yous like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentines Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
its romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
Thats impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
Diamonds are forever,
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these wont do.
Cause yore too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds …
ITS A NEW TROLLN MOTOR!!!
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
Well, said the would-be cattleman, I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So were calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.
But where are all your cattle? the friends asked.
None survived the branding.
Q: How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A Real Woman would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while hes at it.
A factory foreman is walking through the work area, and notices that Kawolski isnt at his station.
He asks one of the other workers if they know where Kawolski is, and the employee points straight up in the air. The foreman looks up, and theres Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.
Get down from there, Kawolski, he yells, to which Kawolski replies, But Im a light bulb!
The boss is -NOT- impressed, and makes Kawolski climb down and get back to work.
About an hour later, the boss is walking through the factory once again, and once again he notices that Kawolski is missing. On a hunch, he looks up, and again sees Kawolski hanging by one arm from the rafters.
The foreman makes him climb down, and chews him out, saying that if he catches Kawolski up there one more time, hes going to get fired.
Another hour later, the boss is making another round, and sure enough… theres Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.
Thats it, Kawolski, he yells. Youre FIRED!
Kawolski climbs down, and grabs his lunchbox. As he gathers his belongings, all of the other employees stop working, and begin to empty their lockers as well.
Whats going on? the foreman asks. The rest of you had better get back to work right now!
One of the employees turns to the forman and says, Sorry boss, but we arent working without any lights.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate its a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.