These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.

Yo mama so fat, when she spins around, the seasons change.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, Boy, I wish I could do that.

The Bartender replies, Youd better try petting him first.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

Do you wash? the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

Oh, yes, Mary answered. Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible.

Well, the doctor concluded, Go home and wash possible!!!

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesnt see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesnt find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, –
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, I believe its snowing. No, it looks too wet to be snow, he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow…

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!

Collards is green,

my dogs name is Blue

and Im so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blues

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You aint got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yore as satisfyn as okry

jist a-fryn in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as snuff

right out of the can.

You have somea yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when were in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, Im in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yore there fer yore man,

to patch up lifes troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin overhead.

You aint mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Aint nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentines Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

its romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

Thats impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

Diamonds are forever,

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these wont do.

Cause yore too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds …

ITS A NEW TROLLN MOTOR!!!

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

Well, said the would-be cattleman, I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So were calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.

But where are all your cattle? the friends asked.

None survived the branding.

They both got accepted to USC.