Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Its left to the reader as an exercise.

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip ONeill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip ONeall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town? and the Jelly Bean says No mate, Im a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.



So Smartie says Dont worry about it, Im a bit of a hard case, Ill look after you. So Jelly Bean says Fair enough, as long as youll look after me. and off they went.



After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.



After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says I thought you were going to look after me?



I was! says Smartie, But those Lockets are menthol!

Q: What is the difference between a midwife and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

4 Doctors were talking shop one day…

An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah!

We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!

You might be a redneck if you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table.

[Ed: Edited ]

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving
class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute
emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the
reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked
down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up
with equal velocity.

Hey, you know anything about parachutes? he shouted to her, as they passed
by.

The reply: No… you know anything about Coleman stoves?