When working on a project, if you put away a tool that youre certain youre finished with, you will need it instantly.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
With the immense popularity of Viagra its not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:
Viagra Lite
For people who only want to masturbate
Viagrallium
A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you dont get to fuck, then you dont give a fuck.
Courtesy of John Rowe
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, Im Stupid. That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign.
Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, Hey, you moving?
Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, yall catch all them fish?
Nope. Talked em into giving up. Heres your sign.
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.
Well, all right but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat?
I couldnt resist. I said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Heres your sign.
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, Darn thats hot!
See? If hed been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning … ok … no problem.
I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign … until he asked So … is your truck stuck?
I couldnt help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said No, Im delivering a bridge … heres your sign.
Copyrighted Skit by Bill Engvald
A: An air bag.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Managed Friendship Plan
Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines
all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important
cost-saving features.
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are
met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
Whats Wrong with my Current Friends?
If youre like most people, you are receiving friendship services from
a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old
neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.
How Do I Know That the Plans Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch
of Losers Who Cant Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of todays most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have
met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in
the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
* Agreeing with you
* Appearing sympathetic
* Chewing the fat
* Dropping by
* Feeling your pain
* Gossiping
* Hanging out
* Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
* Joshing
* Kidding around
* Listening to you whine
* Partying
* Passing the time
* Patting your back
* Ribbing
* Sharing a meal
* Shooting the breeze
* Slinging the bull
* Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
* Bar hopping
* Bending over backwards
* Drinking to excess
* Giving a hoot
* Going the extra mile
* Lending money
* Real empathy
* Truly caring
* Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides Whats Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isnt that what friends are for?
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
What would you like to do next? he asked.
I wanna be weighed, she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
I wanna be weighed, she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?
Wousy! said the girl.
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