To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?

A Manila folder

Wouldnt marathons be a lot more interesting if after the race started,
hungry wild animals were released onto the course? Tigers would be
fun.

– R.M. Weiner

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee: Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at… VERY SLOWLY?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said…
Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver Whats that building there? Thats the Royal York Hotel replied the cabbie. The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? asked the Texan. About 12 years replied the cabbie.12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months. A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. Whats that building over there? asked the Texan. Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre replied the cabbie. Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that? asked the Texan. About three years replied the cabbie. Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks. Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. Whats that building there? asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. Danged if I know replied the cabbie, It wasnt here when I drove by yesterday.

Top Ten Things Overheard in the White House

10. Socks just has to go on a very long vacation, thats all.

9. Dad, who are those people on the lawn trying to look through my windows?

8. How many times have your father and I told you not to tickle the man
with the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, young lady?

7. We all would have liked for your friend to come over to play, Chelsea,
but shes a foreign national.

6. Im sorry the secret service guard wouldnt let you kiss your date,
honey, but he was just being careful.

5. No, I cant come to school for career day, Chelsea.

4. Thats MY chair, Hillary.

3. Chelsea, just because your mother and I smoke it doesnt mean you can.

2. Because Im the President, THATS why.

1. My dad? Hes taking a nap, President Yeltsin. Can I take a message?

Yo Mama is so old, the milk in her tits is stale!

Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group hugs!

yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a lit cigaret she said hey,who turned off the heat.

yo mamas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down.

yo mamas teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings, i got sunshine on a cloudy day…..

Yo mamas so fat she sat on Saturn and skittles started falling out

Yo mamas so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.

Yo mamma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.

Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!

Yo mamma is so fat, she went in the elevator, and when she pressed up, it went down.

Yo mama is so fat she uses her underwear for bungy jumping.

Yo mama is so fat her ass formed its own website.

Yo mama so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama is so stupid she tried to make apple juice out of grapes!

Yo mamas so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesnt get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mamas so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost

Yo mamas so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo mamas so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Yo mamas so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama is so fat, that the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs.

Yo mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo mama is so fat that her drivers license says, Picture continued on other side.

Yo mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 18 years to live.

Yo Mama is so fat, that when she dances, the band skips!

Yo mama is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.

Yo mama so old, I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off!

Yo mamas so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.

Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mamas so ugly, shes like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival.

When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said, Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?

With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied, Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!

• Dont piss me off! Im running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
• I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and youre next.
• Please dont make me kill you.
• And your point is…
• I used to be schizophrenic, but were ok now.
• Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name – youll be screaming it later.
• You know you want me.
• Dont worry. Itll only seem kinky the first time.
• Of course I dont look busy… I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
• You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
• Do not start with me. You will not win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• Im one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you wont go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. Im not.
• If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy.
• Nobody knows Im not wearing underwear.

Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.