No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But
since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good
child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time
zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which
seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that
for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second
to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next
house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of
our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what
most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times
the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh
is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as
overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull ten times
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of
the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the
weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts
re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst
into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, hes
dead now.

Three IT bubbas were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and they come to a steep hill. He finds that the brakes have stopped working and the car is accelerating out of
control. He pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: Lets try and fix it. Ill crawl under the car and take a look. Systems analyst: No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes. Programmer: Why dont we get back in and see if it happens again?

How do you know when a womans about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with A man one told me ….

Attraction
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
Love at first sight
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
Dating
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to
get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
Birth control
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special
pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
Easy
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
Eye contact
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located
in her chest.
Friend
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Indifference
A womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man
as playing hard to get.
Interesting
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
Irritating habit
What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
Law of relativity
How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Nymphomaniac
A mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
Sober
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

I thought Id tack on a little humor. Ive been far too quiet for far too long. This is really what the Mormons believe.

From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints…

Id thought youd enjoy this.

Mormon Instructions on avoiding Masturbation

From a Guide to Mormon Youth

Guide to Self-Control: Overcoming Masturbation.

Enlist The Power Of Prayer

Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation.

Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.

When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell Stop! to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.

Exercise Vigorously

Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise, which reduce emotional tension and depression.

Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

Set Goals

Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, month, year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again.

Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one.

If you masturbate, color that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days.

The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder, and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day.

Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.

Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal, award yourself a quarter. Spend it on something that delights you.

Work On Self-Improvement

Work daily on a self-improvement program. Improve your relationships with your family. Increase your service to your church.

Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking with them.

Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image.

Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

Avoid Temptation

When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly open.

Arise immediately in the mornings. Dont lie awake in bed – start each day with enthusiastic activity.

Avoid people, situations, pictures and reading material that might create sexual excitement.

Use Physical Restraints

Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Put on several layers of clothing that would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Hold an object – for example, a Bible – even in bed at night.

In severe cases, tie a hand to the bed frame.

Be Alert To Emotions

Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape.

Plan to counter these low periods through reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.

Employ aversion therapy. To cancel out the pleasurableness of masturbating , associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub of worms and eating some of them.

Wet Dreams Are Normal

Nocturnal emissions or wet dreams empty the seminal vesicles at night during sleep. The impulses that cause the emptying come from the central nervous system.

Often an erotic dream is experienced at the same time, and is a part of this normal process.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you What is the number for 911

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.

The first one says My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City.

The second one says My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City.

The third one says My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends….One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city.

Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.



Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesnt matter how much you bet cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.



Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, youre BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!



Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because youre still SMART you know all the words.

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.



The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.



Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.



He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.



Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.



That was nice of you, she says, looking around…

But wheres his wheelchair?

(woo-hoo! thats MEAN!