Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when youre gone.
Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong.
Dogs admit when theyre jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but theres a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dividing PecansOn the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. He just knew what it was. Oh my, he shuddered, its Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick, said the boy, you wont believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.The man said, Beat it kid, cant you see its hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, Boy, youve been tellin the truth. Lets see if we can see the devil himself. Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. Thats all. Now lets go get those nuts by the fence, and well be done. They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?

Finally, she said, Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked, Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?

TO: All Employees

From: Management

Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employees restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10,1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 1999.

If an employees RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employees voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you supervisor.

Thank You!

Management

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man were playing golf.



Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.



Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green.



The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.



Jesus then turned to the old man and said, Look Dad, if youre going to play, play fair.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, I sure wish I had bigger tits.

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked, Toilet paper, what will that do?

The man said, I dont know, but look what its done for your ass!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hyman!
Hyman who!
Hyman in the mood for dancin…!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thayer!
Thayer who?
Thayer sorry and I wont tell teacher!

Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)

Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They wont, because: