Tenía que asistir el Papa en Florencia a un congreso muy importante. Le dice a su chofer, Vamos que tenemos que estar en Florencia en una hora. Se sube en el coche, atrás claro, y corre las cortinillas de las ventanas del vehículo para pasar inadvertido…

Van por la autopista y el chofer se siente indispuesto, le dolía mucho el estómago y no podía conducir. Se paran en el lateral y pasa el chofer atrás y el Papa a conducir porque no tenían tiempo de esperar una ambulancia.

El Papa mira la hora… Faltan 15 minutos y estoy a 50 Km….empieza a acelerar 140 Km/h…. 150, 180, 200… Unos policias en moto les ven pasar… les siguen, les paran en el arcén, se pone un policia delante y otro detrás, se bajan y se acerca uno a la ventanilla del conductor del coche…

No sabe usted que circulaba a…, se da cuenta que es el papa, suelta el bolígrafo y la libreta de multas rápidamente, se cuadra, A sus órdenes, disculpe…, para el tráfico, deja que el Papa se vaya… y cuando se acerca al otro policía, el segundo le pregunta, ¿Quién era que te has cuadrado y no le has multado?

Y contesta Al de detrás no le he visto porque llevaba las cortinillas cerradas, ¡PERO TENÍA QUE SER DIOS PORQUE EL QUE CONDUCÍA ERA EL PAPA!

Estaban dos borrachines discutiendo:

Mira José, te digo que se murió el viernes.

¡Ah! Te estoy diciendo que Jesús se murió el jueves.

¡Oh! ¿Qué no entiendes? Fue el viernes.

Para salir de dudas, recurren a un tercer borracho:

Oye Pablo, ¿cuándo fue que se murió Jesús, el jueves o el viernes?

Pos yo la verdad no sé si se murió el jueves o el viernes, pero eso sí, el miércoles amaneció muy grave.

Psiquiatra: ¿Va usted al cine?

Paciente: Poco.

Psiquiatra: Pues considérelo más seguido.¿Va usted al teatro?

Paciente: Casi nunca.

Psiquiatra: Pues considérelo más frecuentemente.

Y así varias recomendaciones o sugerencias…

Y sobre todo, concluye el psiquiatra, sexo, mucho sexo, todo el sexo que le sea posible…

Regresa el tipo a su casa y ante los cuestionamientos de su mujer le confía: El doctor me recomienda ir al cine, al teatro, y sobre todo sexo, mucho sexo, todo el sexo que sea posible…

Y se mete a bañar…

La esposa se frota las manos y se pone el vestido mas caro y el perfume y aretes y se pinta provocativamente.

Sale el marido del baño y se empieza a perfumar y a vestir y la esposa pregunta: ¿A donde vas?

¿No te dije que el doctor me sugirió sexo, mucho sexo, todo el sexo que sea posible…?

¡Viejo, por eso me puse así para tí!

¡AY VIEJA, TU SIEMPRE CON TUS PINCHES REMEDIOS CASEROS!

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while hes busy. Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! Im not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While its out, Ill just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Woman walks into a bar with a Goose
bar man say Who you looking at u Silly Goose!?!?!?
The woman says, Who you Talking to, me or my goose?
Bar man replies You, You Daft Goose!

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good looking? They already have boyfriends.

General Motors doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to
drive, because people dont buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if
they did…

Conversation #1

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

Helpline: Its a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns
over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of
these technical terms just to use my car?

Conversation #2

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it wont go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: Theres a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: I see an E but no F.

Helpline: You see the E and just to the right is the F.

Customer: No, just to the right of the first E is a V.

Helpline: A V?

Customer: Yeah, theres a C, an H, the first E, then a V,
followed by R, O, L …

Helpline: No, no, no sir! thats the front of the car. When you sit behind the
steering wheel, thats the panel Im talking about.

Customer: That steering wheel thingy – Is that the round thing that honks the
horn?

Helpline: Yes, among other things.

Customer: The needles pointing to E. What does that mean?

Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some
more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you.

Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

Conversation #3

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

Helpline: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what went wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way
to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed – and now it wont
even start up!

Helpline: Im sorry, sir, but its your responsibility if you misuse the
product.

Customer: Misuse it? I was just following this stupid manual of yours. It said
to make the car go to put the transmission in D and press the accelerator
pedal. thats exactly what I did — now the dumb things crashed.

Helpline: Did you read the entire operators manual before operating the car
sir?

Customer: What? Of course I did! I told you I did everything the
manual said and it didnt work!

Helpline: Didnt you attempt to slow down so you wouldnt crash?

Customer: How do you do that?

Helpline: You said you read the entire manual, sir. its on page 14. The pedal
next to the accelerator.

Customer: Well, I dont have all day to sit around and read this manual you
know.

Helpline: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and
wont crash anymore!

Conversation #4

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks.

Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Im not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box.

The second nun says, My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week.

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, Come on, weve told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours.

The third nun says, My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I cant wait to get off this train!

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant Ill just say, Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, theyre killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, lets make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Cant we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why dont they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why dont you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a building? It looks like theyre finished. Why isnt it a built?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isnt that the basic idea behind the wheel? Dont they rotate on their own?

All the kings HORSES and all the kings men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldnt put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!

Isnt it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, Oh, man, I cant wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still cant get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys cant even get the DETERGENT white! Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it! I think not.

Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And whats this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter H?

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.



7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.



10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.



11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play

when this is the case.



12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.



13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.



14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)



15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.