Q: What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

** EARTH FIRST! Well strip mine the other planets later.

** If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

** No, I dont have a license to kill; its just a learners permit.

** Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect.

** Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

** Taxation WITH representation Aint so hot, either!

** White water… Its all over when the First Lady sings.

** Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

An engineer dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks in his book and promptly turns him away, telling him he belongs down below. So the engineer gets to Hell and figures that the place could use some improvements. He designs an escalator, air conditioning and a pool. After a while, Satan notices what he has done. He thinks that the place is not bad. When God was reviewing the books, he discovered that St. Peter made a mistake. The engineer should have been admitted. So God calls Satan. He demands that the engineer be returned to Heaven at once. Satan says, no way! God says, Ok, if thats how you want it, Ill sue you to get him back here. At this, Satan bellows with laughter and asks (through the tears in his eyes), where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?

Sports Quotes



1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.



1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject.



1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.



1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back.



1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?



1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the teams co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: Im going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.



1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet.



1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.



1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.



1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot.



1981 Dorothy Shula , on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins coach: Im fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.



1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.



1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesnt use a lonely end: We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.



1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: It wasnt as easy as you think. Its hard to stay awake that long.



1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: Rapport? You mean like, You run as fast as you can, and Ill throw it as far as I can?



1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBAs Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: Tom.



1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.



1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: You mean in the state?

Rules that guys wished girls knew……….

1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if its up, put it down.

3. Dont cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see

if he can find the perfect present!

5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

6. Sometimes, hes not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Dont ask him what hes thinking about unless you are prepared

to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like ever other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the

tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dads way past idiot.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

18. No, he doesnt know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes – what makes you think

wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesnt have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Dont give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in

Cosmo together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you dont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it

done – but not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to

complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the mens magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and its certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

A new list of the Worlds Shortest Books:

STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED

-by Elizabeth Taylor

BEAUTY SECRETS

-by Janet Reno

HOME BUILT AIRPLANES

-by John Denver

DOWN HILL SKIING

-by Sonny Bono

HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL

-by Dan Marino

FLYING AT NIGHT

-by JFK, Jr.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

-by Hillary Clinton

MY LIFES MEMORIES

-by Ronald Reagan

THINGS I CANT AFFORD-

by Bill Gates

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

-by O. J. Simpson

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

-by Dennis Rodman

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

-by the Ramseys

AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

HELLEN KELLERS BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her
for $500.00.

When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash
with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it
to her, calling it RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth
the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a
check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment I was under the impression that:

It had never been occupied.
That there was plenty of heat.
That is was small.

Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasnt any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how turn it on and if you dont have enough furniture to fill it, dont
blame me.

Very truly yours,

This one came from the L.A. Reader via a circuitous route
(saw it quoted in New Scientist):

U.C. Davis graduate student Anne Perkins on her study of
sexuality in sheep:

It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian
sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to
solicit sex is to stand still. Maybe there is a female
sheep out there really wanting another female, but theres
just no way for us to know it.

A colleague on our campus came to work this morning sporting a musical, Christmas tie given to him by his wife and daughter.

He told me that his daughter admonished him to leave at home the box the tie came in because, clearly printed on it, are the words, Squeeze my tip and hear me sing.

Of course, he had it with him when he arrived for work this morning!