Old and New Jokes

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.



Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?



The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?



$7.98. said the butcher.



A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If its the flu, youll get better.



Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.



Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.



Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause youre fatter than they are.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?



Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.



Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.



Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.



Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

This joke is from the opening paragraph of Stephen Hawkings book,
A Brief History of Time.

A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a
public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around
the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast
collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a
little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: What you have
told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the
back of a giant tortoise.

The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, What is the
tortoise standing on?

Youre very clever, young man, very clever, said the old lady.
But its turtles all the way down!

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese man, an Irishman, an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

The barman said, Hey, what kind of joke is this?

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, thats probably how dogs spend most of their lives…

How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday? Tell her a joke on Thursday!

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church,
and being told there was a fortune in horse
racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter
it in the races. However, at the local auction,
the going price for horses was so high that the
preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher
figured, since he bought the animal, he might as
well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey
did quite well and came in third place. The next
day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher Shows AssThe preacher was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered it in the races again, and this time
the animal won first place. The paper said: Preachers Ass Out In FrontThe Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper
printed this headline: Bishop Scratches Preachers AssThis was too much for the Bishop and he ordered
the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The
preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a
local convent. The next day, the headlines read: Nun Has Best Ass In TownThe Bishop fainted. When he came around, he
informed the nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a
farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars.
The paper stated: Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!They buried the Bishop the next day.

PICK UP LINES YOU SHOULD SAY WHEN IN SHUL


THEY SHOULD WORK

1. Pray here often?


2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.


3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.


4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.


5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?


6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.


7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?


8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?


9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?


10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.


11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.


12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.


13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny


14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.


15. You had me at Adon (Olam).


16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.


17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?


18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.


19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!


20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…


21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?


22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!


23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!


24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.