A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.



The one who was giving the party said, Weve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, Ive never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.



The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.



Next, it was the birthday boys turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, Well, Id like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.



The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesnt take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, Youre really hot!

Youre pretty cute, too, she says to him. Ill tell you what … I live just around the corner – what do you think about coming up to my place?

That sounds great! the man eagerly replies.

Before we go up there, though, the woman says, I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?

Well … uh … Im not exactly sure what that is, the man answers, but it sure sounds interesting and Im willing to learn! Lets go!

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man cant believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body.

Now, youre *sure*, the woman asks, that you want to do it Greek style?

Definitely! the man replies.

All right, then, says the woman. Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees.

Sounds like fun! the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?

Yeah! Yeah, lets go! says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He cant move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?

The mans muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. Mmmf, yeah! he mumbles, Greek style!

The womans grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, GEORGE! Come and get it!

Cesium Glows
(Tune, Loves a Rose – Neil Young)

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
Its fire grows when its on the tongue.
Lips full of holes, youll know youve kissed it,
Just take a bite if you want to die young.

I want to see whats never been seen,
I want to dream that Cesium dream.
Come on love, we can glow together,
Lets eat it all right now.
Take a bite right now.

I want to lie in a hole in the ground,
Six feet deep, and twelve feet round.
Sky blue light around me shinin,
Pale blue worms upon me dinin.

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
Its fire grows when its on your tongue.
Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,
Gimme a spoon cause I wanna die Young.

—Songs of Cesium #109

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous sil vous plaid.
HONK IF YOURE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DONT LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

Létat, cest moo.
IM BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!

Entra un tipo en una droguería y le dice al dependiente: Me da 200 bolitas de alcanfor para acabar con la polilla.

El dependiente le objeta: ¡pero hombre, con un par de bolitas tienes de sobra!

Es por si fallo, responde el palurdo.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk.

One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.



Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? sheasked.



Yeth. lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?

A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.