A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it the priest replied.The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

Why did the condom fly across the road?

-It was pissed off!!

It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.

Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.
Stalin got up. Ill take care of this.
He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.
He came back into the compartment and sat back down.
That should take care of it.

Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.
Khrushchev got up. Ill take care of this.
He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,
and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the
train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down.
That should take care of it.

Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;
the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.

Nothing more happened for about an hour.
Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.

Now. Train is moving.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!

A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldnt have to wear a bra quite as much.

She was furious and didnt speak to him for the rest of the week.

The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldnt have to wear a girdle quite as much.

Well she was furious.

Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldnt have to see your brother quite as much!!!

****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.



7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.



9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the day when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.



The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.



The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Ive just quit drinking.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live? asked the operator.



Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.



The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?



There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing!

If it is incomprehensible, its mathematics.