Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

A whine cellar.

There is one of those large, portable flashing signs in front of the School for the Blind in Louisville, KY with the following message: WELCOME BACK STUDENTS

Q. Why did George W Bush want to get to India before lunch?

A. He heard that there was a New Dehli.

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded – System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error – Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted – System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error – Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered – God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space – Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed – Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open – Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open – Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed – Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error – Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error – System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten – Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes – Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory – Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, Noah my old friend, I want you to make me a new Ark.

Noah replies, No problem God, me old supreme being, anything you want after all youre the boss!

But God interrupts, Ah but theres a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.

20 DECKS! screams Noah, Well, ok, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?

Yep, thats right, well … sort of right. This time I just want you to fill it up with fish. God answers.

Fish? queries Noah.

Yep, fish. Well, Ill make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, Carp!

Noah looks to the skies, OK, let me get this right. You want a new Ark?

Check.

With 20 decks, one on top of the other?

Check.

And you want it full of Carp?

Check

Just one thing, why? asked Noah.

No special reason. says God, I just always fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark!

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports: The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

– Audobon Magazine

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.