Old and New Jokes

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of its cage. The man didnt want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.

Now heres the clincher… the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!

Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case… so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!

Only in America….

Courtesy of Dateline NBC…

A tomcat told a female cat, For you, I would die.

The female asked, How many times?

Then there was the young female dinosaur who became a woman. She had her first century.

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

Did yall ever wonder why mice have such small balls?

Easy – very few of them can dance at all.

A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out. Look Ma! said the youngster, An Angel.

You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come nobodys ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.

A young teen studying sex education went to the zoo and saw her first kangaroo. As she was watching, a baby kangaroo stuck its head out of the Mothers pouch.

Just as I suspected, the girl said to herself. Caesareans do leave a nasty scar.

Youve all heard of Russian roulette and a jokes been making the rounds about African roulette. How many of you know how to play Indian roulette though? Youre given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.

– Mommy, what kind of shirt I will wear today? Will it be one with short sleeves or long ones?

– Can you tell me the reason why this is so important?

– I just want to know how high I have to wash up my arms.

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not – dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, shes left-handed.

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Shit.

Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clintons habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonalds national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?

Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and its got half the meat.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Their both empty from the neck up

Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, Hey, everyone! look at that!

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, Teacher, aint that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?

Un tipo entra a un bar y le dice a la cantinera, ¡Oye, culo gordo, traeme una cerveza!

Ella responde, ¿Cómo me llamaste?

Ya oíste, dije: culo gordo, traeme una cerveza.

La cantinera decide que no va a soportar ese tipo de trato y hace que lo echen del bar.

La noche siguiente el tipo entra al mismo bar y le dice a la misma cantinera, ¡Oye tetitas, traeme una cerveza!

Entonces ella le dice que no va a soportar ese trato y que será mejor que se comporte o lo echan del bar otra vez.

El tipo dice, Está bien, ¿podrías por favor servirme una cerveza?

Más tranquila, la mujer le sirve la cerveza y le pregunta, ¿Realmente piensas que mis senos son pequeños?

Sí, pero tengo una solución para ti. Todo lo que tienes que hacer es tomar un rollo de papel higiénico y frotarte con él entre las tetitas.

¿Y crees que eso funcione?

Te funcionó para tu culo gordo, ¿no?

Una mañana dominical, Superman decidió dar un paseo por la isla caribeña. Después de seis horas de estar recorriendo sus playas, malecón, el castillo del morro, etc. se percató de que era demasiado tranquila…

En este lugar no me necesitan para nada, me voy a Miami para ver que se les ofrece por allá.

Sin embargo, al tratar de alzarse en vuelo, siente una fuerte atraccion hacia la tierra que le impide levantarse. Inútilmente, intenta volar varias veces más.

Pensando que pudiera haber una fuente de kriptonita cercana al lugar, gira su cabeza con la finalidad de localizarla, pero grande es su sorpresa cuando se percata de que colgados de su capa se encuentran dos y medio millones de cubanos, y entonces uno de ellos le grita…

¡Dale chico, que tú puedes, dale coño…!

Un tipo lleva a una supermujer a un hotel. Después de unos tragos y bailes sensuales, éste le pide a la chica que se la chupe. Ella, que estaba recontra caliente, accede. Empieza la faena y la tipa resulta toda una Lewinsky. Mientras ella está arrodillada, él le acaricia el pelo, la cara, el cuerpo… Todo. De repente, todo el cuarto empieza a sacudirse por un fuerte terremoto que no tenía para cuando terminar. Sin pensarlo, la chica sale corriendo despavorida así como estaba.

Instantes después, el hombre, que recién había vuelto en sí, se da cuenta de lo que está ocurriendo y que en sus manos tenía las orejas de la chica. Calato, sale corriendo y le pregunta al conserje:

Oiga, ¿no ha visto a una chica corriendo sin orejas?

El conserje, medio asustado, alcanza a balbucir:

¡No, no, pero sí he visto a una chica corriendo con una pinga en la boca!