10. Could our relationship be more physical?? Im tired of being just friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. Its easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please dont throw that old T-shirt away.

The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.

5. This diamond is just way too big.

4. I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.

2. Does this make my butt look too small??

1. Im wrong, you must be right again..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says, No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replies the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? Now what? asks the patron. Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.

Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replies the patron. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells. Saint Peter said he may pass through the pearly gates.The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize?The man replied………….Theyre Carols.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of
a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How does it work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

Whats wrong with my friends?
If youre like most people, youre probably receiving Friendship
Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based
on where youve lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly
duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet
national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate,
outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your
friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who
Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.

How do I know these arent just a bunch of losers who cant make
friends on their own?
Many of todays most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship
Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
What if I need a special friend, say for poker or fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship
Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of
knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to
refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network
should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent
training.

Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm) network?
Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

Whats that?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend
out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is
Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find
yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all
appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency
Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
within two business days.

What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your
back.

Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the plan?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess
of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(tm) ID card to arrange for precertification of the
proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
coverage within 24 business hours.

But who decides whats appropriate for me?
We do. Isnt that what friends are for?

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.

– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

But what … is it good for?

– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

– Bill Gates, 1981

This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.

– Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

– David Sarnoffs associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C, the idea must be feasible.

– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smiths paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

– H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

Im just glad itll be Clark Gable whos falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.

– Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.

– Response to Debbi Fields idea of starting Mrs. Fields Cookies.

We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.

– Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldnt have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you cant do this.

– Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads.

So we went to Atari and said, Hey, weve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, well come work for you. And they said, No. So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, Hey, we dont need you. You havent got through college yet.

– Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniaks personal computer.

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.

– 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddards revolutionary rocket work.

You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It cant be done. Its just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.

– Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? Youre crazy.

– Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.

– Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

– Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Louis Pasteurs theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

– Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.

– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Seen on Murphy Browns door recently: I got free checking at BCCI.

Their army!

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?

The secretarys reply, My lawyer!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish Its a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!



Overview: I had to take my sons hamster to the vet. Heres what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me, Im serious, Dad. Can you help?



I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)



Honey, I called, come look at the hamster! Oh, my gosh, my wife diagnosed after a minute. Shes having babies. What? My son demanded.



But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!



I was equally outraged. Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce! I accused my wife. Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?! She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)



No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie! My son agreed. Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about to witness the miracle of birth.



OH, Gross! They shrieked.



Well, isnt THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies? My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Dont you?)



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted.



Its breech, my wife whispered, horrified. Do something, Dad! My son urged. Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.



Should I call 911? My eldest daughter wanted to know, Maybe they could talk us through the trauma. (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)



Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly.



We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.



I dont think hamsters do Lamaze, his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a c-section? I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.



Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.



Is Ernie going to be okay? My wife asked. Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us.



This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isnt EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.



What?



You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back. He blushed, glancing at my wife. Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron.



We were silent, absorbing this.



So Ernies just … just … excited?! My wife offered.



Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!



Whats so funny? I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.



Its just … that … Im picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little … she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.



Thats enough, I warned.



We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.



I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad, he told me.



Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.



Enough said.