A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor asked the man: What are you doing, walking the dog?
The man replied: Oh no, Im just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions…
And the man said to his toothbrush: Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!
A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy. So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldnt explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time?Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. Its a quarter to six, he says.Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.Yeah, its not bad. Check this out – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues Ive put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. Thats not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake.View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; Im still working out the bugs, says the inventor.But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far says Jake.Ive got to have this watch!, says the stranger.No, you dont understand; its not ready -Ill give you $1000 for it!Oh, no, Ive already spent more than -Ill give you $5000 for it!But its just not
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, ACTS 2:38!The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.One of them asked the lady, How did you do this?The woman replied, I quoted scripture.The cop turned the burglar, What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?The burglar replied, Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s.
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jacksons New Book?
A: Its called, The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
A: They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.
Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
Yup, shes gonna do all the handicapping and hes gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says hell have no choice but to make him a priest!
Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.
And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances…
He wants to spend more time with the kids!
If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket…
The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, Im a cute looking blonde and Im flying first class.
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta….
The blonde then retorts, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class.
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening….
The blonde tells him, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class….
The captain whispers in her ear…and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin…
The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
He replied, I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.
La Madre Superiora estaba entrevistando a una de sus monjas que habÃa decidido dejar el convento.
¿Y qué vas a hacer de hoy en adelante?
Quiero volverme una prostituta.
¿UNA QUEEE? ¿Qué fue lo que dijiste?
Dije que quiero volverme una prostituta.
¡Oh, gracias a Dios! Pensé que habÃas dicho una protestante.
Un niño entra al consultorio de un ginecólogo y, ante la sorpresa de la secretaria, pide hablar con el médico.
La secretaria le explica que ese médico, en especial, sólo atendÃa a señoras, y que seguramente se habÃa equivocado. El niño insiste de tal manera, que a la secretaria no le queda otro remedio que decirle al médico lo que ocurrÃa, y éste, por curiosidad, lo hace pasar al consultorio.
Una vez adentro el niño le pregunta: ¿doctor, una mujer de 5 años puede quedar embarazada?
El médico con una sonrisa le responde que no. El niño insiste nuevamente: ¿está Ud. seguro, doctor?
Cansado por tanta insistencia del niño le responde: yo soy médico y te garantizo con total seguridad que lo que me preguntas es imposible.
A lo que el niño responde: ¡hija de puta!
Extrañado, el facultativo le pregunta: ¿por qué dices eso?
Esta guacha, con el cuento del aborto, me hizo vender el triciclo, responde el infante.