There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Dont flush, dont flush!

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbis garb.

May I come in? asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we …

I know what you do here, interrupted the rabbi. You dont think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls.

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, Good! Ill take those.

The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.

Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosies astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, How old are you, Rabbi?

The rabbi said, God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old.

That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if youre ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you.

The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again.

Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap.

Okay. The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, Wait one minute. This is important. While Im asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless.

Of course, Rabbi, said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbis testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, Im ready.

And so he was, for, to Rosies delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I dont understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?

Oh that, said the rabbi. Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I dont know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies Id nibbled, the eggnog Id taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way Id never said, No thank you, please.

As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—

I said to myself, as I only can You cant spend a winter

disguised as a man!

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I wont have a cookie – not even a lick.

Ill want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—

But isnt that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Man – A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole) Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties : a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore… zzzzz). f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties : a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available. e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage : a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses : a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo… b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests : a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution : a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

Q: What does Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: Space. The final frontier…

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, Buckle up!
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say Oops.
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, Now which one is the gas again?
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear at everybody on the road.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
Beep your horn at everything.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man: What are you doing, walking the dog?

The man replied: Oh no, Im just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions…

And the man said to his toothbrush: Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!

A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy. So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.

When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldnt explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time?Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. Its a quarter to six, he says.Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.Yeah, its not bad. Check this out – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues Ive put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. Thats not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake.View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; Im still working out the bugs, says the inventor.But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far says Jake.Ive got to have this watch!, says the stranger.No, you dont understand; its not ready -Ill give you $1000 for it!Oh, no, Ive already spent more than -Ill give you $5000 for it!But its just not

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, ACTS 2:38!The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.One of them asked the lady, How did you do this?The woman replied, I quoted scripture.The cop turned the burglar, What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?The burglar replied, Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s.