1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, lets turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…
21. (holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth…
27. Smile, youre on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. Youre good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…
47. No, really… I do this part better myself!
48. Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people…
50. Youre almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps youre just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession…
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. Youll stil vote for me, wont you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizingabout…
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- dont you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
83. Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.
84. Dont mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I dont do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like youre enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
92. Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.
93. So thats why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…
99. Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…
100. How long do you plan to be almost there?
101. You mean youre NOT my blind date?
Archive for January, 2019
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Custer!
Custer who?
Custer a penny to find out!
A man was walking on a highway when he discovered a genie lamp.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said,I will grant you one wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, Well, I never have gone to Hawaii because I never could afford it. Could you make a highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over anytime?
The genie sighed and said, Man, I have been in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite tired. Cant you think of something a little more simple?
The man thought and said, Well, you know, I have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I still cant understand her. Can you make it so I can understand her from now on?
The genie sighed again and said, Two lanes or four?
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate Americas recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:
Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is:
Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is:
Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is:
Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!
Old is when…
…your sweetie says, Lets go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Honey, I cant do both!
…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre
barefoot.
…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.
…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
…you dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont
have to go along.
…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.
…getting a little action means I dont need to take any fiber today.
…getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
… an all nighter means not getting up to pee!
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isnt that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
You know youre a redneck when… you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.
How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to
drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day? No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And lets keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
Section One: Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times
this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
I dont care what the other kids get to do.
… and this time I really mean it.
Somebodys going to get hurt doing that.
See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
Now were REALLY going to be late.
One … Im counting … two … Im counting …
Because Im the Mommy (Daddy).
Lets not discuss that at the dinner table.
Why is your brother (sister) crying?
Okay … but only five more minutes.
Section Two: Fill in the Blank
Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
Tickle Me ____________.
101 _________________.
The Berenstain _________.
Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
_______________ Nuggets.
_______________ Meals.
Please wont you be my _____________?
Section Three: Matching
Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
Amoxicillin
Legos
Pull-Ups
Push-Ups
Tubes
Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is placed in ears when Letter C fails.
A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddlers diet.
A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.
Section Four: Problem Solving
Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m. Where are your car keys?
She says that he started it. He says she started it. Whos right?
You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large
packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places,
and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this?
At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts
with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman
maneuvers, how will this be done?
Section Five: Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the Big Vs has made a bigger contribution to parenting:
Vacuum cleaners, Velcro, or the VCR?
WOMEN
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MEN
Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to auto parts store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up.
Have another beer while oil is draining.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floor board in reaction.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Drive car
Thanks to Mary Campbell
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They havent had any brains for the last thirty years.