Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

They both know what Roy tastes like.

Love BoatEnterprise
Bald Captain Bald Captain
Black BartenderBlack Bartender
Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Young Wesley is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Ships doctor is a main character
Ships doctor is a main character
Julie the cruise director is sexy but annoying
Troi the ships councelor is sexy but annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected
background of open sea
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background
of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new ports-of-call
Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening songCheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher)
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndicationIn late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilotBad 2-hour pilot
Love Boat has lifeboats and flotation devices
Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots
Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie)
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on loading dock; crew waves goodbye
Final scene takes place on transporter; crew waves goodbye
Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock
Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Captain Picard has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels
and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they
got into an argument about what they were burying.

This heres a big mule! This aint no mule, this heres
a donkey.
Mule!
Donkey!

Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by.
What are you boys doing?
Were diggin a grave for this mule.
Donkey, dammit!

The chaplain cut in, Boys, this isnt either one, its an ass!

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, What are
you men doing, digging a foxhole?
No sir, were diggin an asshole.

Henry Ford went to heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time.

Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peter printed out the list of all the inventors currently (doing time) in heaven.

As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the discovery of women.

Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.

When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention. Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

Obviously, Adam doesnt like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial computer. He works with the enormous data banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.

Look here, Mr Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadnt made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, Why not call him up?

He calls up the lawyer.

Sir, according to our research you havent made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?

The lawyer responds, A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, Well, no sir, Im…

Does your research show that my sisters husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. Im terribly sorry…

Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. I am sorry sir, please forgive me…

The gall of you people! I dont give them anything, so why should I give it to you!

Top ten things that sound dirty in law but arent:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isnt:

Think you can get me off?

Era una vez una mujer que no tenía tetas y vivía muy atribulada por eso. Una vez fue donde un mago de la provincia para ver qué podía hacer para que las tetas le crecieran. El mago le dijo que fuera donde el Rey y le preguntara si se quería casar con ella. Cada vez que le dijera que NO le iban a crecer dos pulgaditas.

Ese mismo día fue donde el Rey y le preguntó:

¡Rey! ¿Usted se quiere casar conmigo?

A lo que el Rey respondió: No.

Inmediatamente ¡plum! dos pulgaditas. Al otro día fue donde el mismo Rey y le preguntó:

¡Rey! ¿Usted se quiere casar conmigo?

No.

¡Plum! dos pulgaditas adicionales. Al otro día fue donde el mismo Rey y le preguntó:

¡Rey! ¿Usted se quiere casar conmigo?

No.

¡Plum! dos pulgaditas adicionales. Al otro día se levanta la señora y dice:

Bueno, quiero dos pulgaditas adicionales.

Así que va donde el mismo Rey y le repite su pregunta. El Rey responde:

¡Mire, carajo! ¡No, no, no y mil veces NO!

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, Are you a little girl or a little boy?

I dont know, replied the other baby giggling.



What do you mean, you dont know? said the first baby.



I mean I dont know how to tell the difference, was the reply.



Well, I do, said the first baby chuckling. Ill climb into your crib and find out.



He carefully maneuvered himself into the other babys crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.



Youre a little girl, and Im a little boy, he said proudly.



Youre ever so clever, cooed the baby girl, but how can you tell?



Its quite easy really, replied the baby boy, youve got pink booties and Ive got blue ones.

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks I can outrun this guy, so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures what the heck, and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says Listen mister, Ive had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and Ill let you go.

The man thought for a moment and said… Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!