A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks I can outrun this guy, so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures what the heck, and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says Listen mister, Ive had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and Ill let you go.

The man thought for a moment and said… Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after were done with it.

Comment: AVERAGE
Really Means: Not too bright.

Comment: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Really Means: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Comment: ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Really Means: Drinks heavily.

Comment: QUICK THINKING
Really Means: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Comment: INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
Really Means: Knows more than superiors.

Comment: STERN DISCIPLINARIAN
Really Means: A real jerk.

Comment: APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
Really Means: Finds someone else to do the job.

Comment: A KEEN ANALYST
Really Means: Thoroughly confused.

Comment: EXPRESSES SELF WELL
Really Means: Can string two sentences together.

Comment: DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
Really Means: Has a loud voice.

Comment: JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
Really Means: Lucky.

Comment: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Really Means: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Comment: SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
Really Means: Stupid.

Comment: ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
Really Means: An office gossip.

Comment: ENJOYS JOB
Really Means: Needs more to do.

Comment: HAPPY
Really Means: Paid too much.

Comment: CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
Really Means: Pain in the ass.

Comment: USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
Really Means: Clock watcher.

Comment: USES RESOURCES WELL
Really Means: Delegates everything.

Comment: DESERVES PROMOTION
Really Means: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends



1. You wouldnt bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.

2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.

3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.

4. Your computer doesnt mind if you are unshaved, havent showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.

5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.

6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.

7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.

8. A computer doesnt mind you using other computers as well.

9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.

10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.

Motherhood: If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car and you get about the same results.
To be in your childrens memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere is to let the air out of the tires.
The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Lifes golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when hes really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string, handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
A child outgrows your lap but never outgrows your heart.
God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those whove never had any.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mothers age.
Money isnt everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who dont have small children.
Why is it that our children cant read a Bible in school but they can in prison?
How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?
No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.
The persons hardest to convince theyre at the retirement age are children at bedtime.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate? Spank his monkey.

Chaplain Meemordnilaps Chaplains thought posted earlier was in error. He had St. Nicholas (the original Santa Claus) confused with St. Dracula.

St. Nicholas, as we all know, is said to have lived in a fortress in the arctic region, from which he flew to reward good and punish evil, using the great powers he gained after being rocketed to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton. That is, except when he was disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

Please correct all manual and computer copies, and report to your local Inquisitor to have all traces of Meemornilaps heretical teachings erased from your mind.

– Father Talbot, Lycanthropoi Khristoi

Son: Mama, Ive just got part in the school play!

Jewish mama: You have? Thats wonderful. What part have you got?

Son: The Jewish father.

Jewish mama: Couldnt they have given you a speaking part?

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, Ill take it, and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?