If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.
Patron: No, its still there.
Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
Im running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.
Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Archive for January, 2019
what do u call an ethiopian that has sesime seeds on his head? quarter pounder
what do u call an ethiopian that has sesime seeds on his head w/ a yeast infection? quarter pounder w/ cheese
Wanna here a clean joke?
Im takin a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is my next door neighbor.
Do you mind if I smoke?
I dont care if you burst into flames and die.
-Barry Shein, Boston University
What do elves learn in school?
The ELF-abet.
How many reindeer does Santa have?
11 (named below):
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,
Rudolph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (all of the other reigndeer)
and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What kind of bird can write?
A PEN-guin
Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance-runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
Beacuse every buck is dear to him.
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
Well have a boo Christmas without you.
ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF#2: OKay everyone, sack time!
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe!!!!!
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE
FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMANS GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER
TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!!
YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!
Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming
pool and radio telescope.
Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
A lifetimes supply of Plutonium (or a years, whichever
is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
Belgium.
Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony
with one ear. Oh, in fact thats HIM, sorry.
Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, The Gods strike back
which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out
that Siegfried isnt really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance
for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that
you can get the thing performed.
A dozen Stradivarius violins.
A piece of slightly used chewing gum.
APPLY NOW TO CLAIM YOUR FREE GIFT!!! OBVIOUSLY WE CANT TELL
YOU YET WHICH ONE YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO
WIN ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS, WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED (EXCEPT IN
THE CASE OF (7) OF COURSE) [joke]
WHAT WAS THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE?
Oh all right, doesnt look as good though, does it?
Anyway, to claim the free gift, all you have to do is turn up at
a presentation on Wednesday evening next week, where our
salesmen will try and talk you into buying a ludicrously
overpriced timeshare on a holiday tent in the Gobi desert.
Isnt that what youve always wanted? You too can spend the
first two weeks of February dying of thirst EVERY YEAR!!!
But there is no compulsion to buy of course, and it is certainly
not true that those who dont buy get beaten up. Well not
necessarily.
BY the way, if you ARE going to be out next Wednesday, please
leave a window open and turn off burglar alarms, give the dog a
sleeping pill, etc. Our sister company Globsquirtle Burglaries
Inc. may be sending a salesman round…
See you on Wednesday…
A new monk joins the trapist order and takes a vow of silence. He is however allowed to speak every ten years.
After ten years he is summoned to see the Friar.
It is ten years since you last spoke. Do you have anything to say? says the friar.
Well yes replies the monk, The bed is a little hard, could I have an extra blanket?
Ten years after this it is time to speak again.
What do you have to say? says the friar.
Well says the monk I wonder if we could have a little more milk with our cornflakes in the morning?
Ten years after this it is time once again to speak.
What do you have to say this time? asks the friar.
Ive been thinking, says the monk, Ive been here 30 years and Im really not sure Im suited to the life. I think I would like to leave
Thank God for that, says the friar, Youve done nothing but complain since you got here.
A pregnant Gen.Ethnic writes:
Dear Abbie:
My husband cheats on me so much, how can I be sure this baby is his?