Old and New Jokes

You might be a rednack if…

Youve ever worn hunters orange to church.

You have barnyard animals living in your house.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, Gun control is a steady hand.

Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

You dont use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you cant see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors dogs when they get into it.

You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.

You have guns in your house that you cannot find.

You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

Youve got more guns On Display than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

Your horse wears shoes, but you dont.

It doesnt bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

Your dog is your alarm clock.

Tratando de escapar de la policía, un ladrón entra a un centro comercial. El capitán ordena a los uniformados:

Quiero que me cubran todas las salidas. ¡No quiero que se escape!

Los guardianes del orden cubren todas las salidas del centro comercial; sin embargo, el ratero escapa.

¡Mi capitán, el ladrón se nos escapó!

¡¿Qué no les dije que cubrieran todas la salidas?!, responde furioso el jefe.

Es que el muy vivo se escapó por la entrada.

Pepito se levantó a mitad de la noche por un vaso de agua. Cuando pasaba por la recamara de sus padres escuchó muchos quejidos y suspiros; se asomó y sorprendió a sus padres en pleno concúbito. Antes de que su padre pudiera reaccionar, Pepito grita:

¡Bravo, el juego de montar a caballo! ¿Puedo montarme en tu espalda, papá?

Contento de que Pepito no hiciera preguntas indiscretas y viendo, además, la oportunidad de seguir en lo suyo, el papá acepta. Pepito saltó sobre su espalda y empezó a cabalgar muy contento. Pronto la mamá de Pepito comenzó a jadear y a hacer ruidos extraños. Entonces Pepito advierte:

¡Cuidado, papá, ésta es la parte donde el lechero se emociona demasiado y me tira!

Se encontraba Jesús junto a Pedro caminando por las calles de Jerusalem… cuando repentinamente un grupo de niños comienza a lanzarle piedras al Salvador.

Pedro enfurecido por la accion de los niños grita:

¡Hijos de la grandísima puta que se creen, muestren respeto al Hijo de nuestro señor!

A lo que Jesus le dice con toda serenidad: Pedro, dejad que los niños se acerquen a mi.

Pero, mi señor, esto no puede ser así.

Pedro, dejad que los niños se acerquen a mi… y cuando estén bien cerca, los dos les sacamos la puta a los huevones estos…

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.



It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.



Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

Yes. Come and join us, they cried.



Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.



Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.



This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.



Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?



You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.



The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.



One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.



Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

That was fantastic, he panted.



So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.

Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.



The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.



I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!

Thick oatmeal. Rarely found on American tables as
children now have the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words putrid,
horrid and sludge.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!

How many paranoid delusionals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who wants to know? Why do you want to know? Who sent you? Elvis, is that you?

A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant.

Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, Im not, I just lie there.

Well, do you know who the father is? the doctor asks.

With a puzzled look she replies, No. Who?

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as She or Her. But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as HE because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. 5. Size does matter.The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as SHE because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.