Old and New Jokes

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says, Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..

STOP pal – I dont allow talk about politics in my bar! interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, People say about the Pope …

NO religion talk, either, the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom… I thought the Yankees would…

NO sports talk…Thats how fights start in bars! the barman said.

Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?

Sure, that we can talk about, replies the barkeep.

GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!

A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on his own over the course of the years.

Much later, a fancy yacht sank and a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, How have you gotten along here by yourself?

Ive found different plants to eat, I dig for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon

How long have you been here?

Almost twenty years.

Well, you probably never even knew about sex, then, did you?

Whats that?

So she shows him. Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what theyd just accomplished.

He said, Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my clam digger.

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you.

Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help but wonder:

What the heck was I thinking?

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope its your sister.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me.

Like the need for therapy…

Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!

Money is tight, times are hard, heres your @#$/& Christmas card!!!

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again.

Sorry things didnt work out, but I cant handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.

When we were together, you always said youd die for me.

Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family wont be with you, since Im taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. Its early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, Now, remember these woods have a lot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and guard it. If you dont, someone else will take your deer away.
The wife nods okay.
And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. Ill be there as soon as I can.
And again the wife nods okay.
Now, this is what were going to do. See that ridge to your right? Youre going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left. They both agree and go to their seperate ways.
About thirty minutes after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He thinks to himself, Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!
Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge. He thinks, Oh, great. Now shes in trouble. Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge.
As he reached the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man with her gun. The man is pleading with the wife, saying, Okay, lady, hes a deer, and hes yours, just let me get my saddle off.

A blonde says to a brunette, Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt. The brunette says, Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

I was a good father, he answers.

Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here.

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls All you down there… Youre all a bunch of queer cock suckers! he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. Youre all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says Where the fuck you going?

The guy says Im at the wrong end of the bar.

Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives.

I had sex with my wife before we were married, said Don, did you?

Gee, I dont know, answered Arty. What was your wifes maiden name?