Do you mind if I smoke?

I dont care if you burst into flames and die.

-Barry Shein, Boston University

What do elves learn in school?

The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?

11 (named below):

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,

Rudolph (the one with the red nose),

Olive (all of the other reigndeer)

and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

What kind of bird can write?

A PEN-guin

Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?

Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

Well have a boo Christmas without you.

ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

ELF#2: OKay everyone, sack time!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe!!!!!

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE
FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMANS GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER
TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!!
YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!

Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming
pool and radio telescope.
Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
A lifetimes supply of Plutonium (or a years, whichever
is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
Belgium.
Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony
with one ear. Oh, in fact thats HIM, sorry.
Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, The Gods strike back
which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out
that Siegfried isnt really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance
for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that
you can get the thing performed.
A dozen Stradivarius violins.
A piece of slightly used chewing gum.

APPLY NOW TO CLAIM YOUR FREE GIFT!!! OBVIOUSLY WE CANT TELL
YOU YET WHICH ONE YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO
WIN ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS, WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED (EXCEPT IN
THE CASE OF (7) OF COURSE) [joke]

WHAT WAS THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE?

Oh all right, doesnt look as good though, does it?

Anyway, to claim the free gift, all you have to do is turn up at
a presentation on Wednesday evening next week, where our
salesmen will try and talk you into buying a ludicrously
overpriced timeshare on a holiday tent in the Gobi desert.

Isnt that what youve always wanted? You too can spend the
first two weeks of February dying of thirst EVERY YEAR!!!

But there is no compulsion to buy of course, and it is certainly
not true that those who dont buy get beaten up. Well not
necessarily.

BY the way, if you ARE going to be out next Wednesday, please
leave a window open and turn off burglar alarms, give the dog a
sleeping pill, etc. Our sister company Globsquirtle Burglaries
Inc. may be sending a salesman round…

See you on Wednesday…

A new monk joins the trapist order and takes a vow of silence. He is however allowed to speak every ten years.

After ten years he is summoned to see the Friar.

It is ten years since you last spoke. Do you have anything to say? says the friar.

Well yes replies the monk, The bed is a little hard, could I have an extra blanket?

Ten years after this it is time to speak again.

What do you have to say? says the friar.

Well says the monk I wonder if we could have a little more milk with our cornflakes in the morning?

Ten years after this it is time once again to speak.

What do you have to say this time? asks the friar.

Ive been thinking, says the monk, Ive been here 30 years and Im really not sure Im suited to the life. I think I would like to leave

Thank God for that, says the friar, Youve done nothing but complain since you got here.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

A pregnant Gen.Ethnic writes:

Dear Abbie:

My husband cheats on me so much, how can I be sure this baby is his?

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

—————————-

AMANA WASHER $100.

OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

—————————–

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…

ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

——————————-

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG

——————————

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

——————————

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

——————————-

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

——————————–

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK — $2000

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STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15

———————————

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL –

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBORS DOG

———————————–

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

———————————-

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE

89 cents

———————————–

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

———————————–

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY.

LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

———————————–

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

———————————

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50

———————————–

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE

————————————-

BILLS SEPTIC CLEANING WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS

————————————–

SHAKESPEARES PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS

————————————–

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

—————————————

HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER IF ITS IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!

—————————————-

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

—————————————–

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

—————————————–

GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.

——————————————

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE – SLIGHTLY STAINED

——————————————-

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

——————————————

AMERICAN FLAG – 60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100

————————————-

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.

———————————————

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

————————————————

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175.

————————————————-

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND ITS MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

————————————————-

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

————————————————

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

————————————————

ALZHEIMERS CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

——————————————–

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

——————————

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

———————————-

BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

———————————-

OPEN HOUSE – BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

————————————–

KELLOGGS POT TARTS – $1.99 box

———————————————–

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb.

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. Its supposed to be a tiger! Sally cried. Honey, said Dan, Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,

there are a few differences between us…

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:

These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzens head now overlooks Bubbas fireplace.

4. You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw!

And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I herd dat!

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off! The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Its a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, youll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. If I were you, Id make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer and Bing Crosbys Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played

on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:

Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox, Cledus T. Judds All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack, and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209