Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four–one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.

En una solitaria carretera va un motociclista a 150 Km por hora cuando, de repente, un pájaro se le atraviesa; trata de evadirlo pero es imposible y le alcanza a pegar al ave.

Por el espejo retrovisor observa que la avecilla va rodando por el pavimento. Al motociclista le remuerde la conciencia y se regresa a revisar al animal; éste está inconsciente pero vivo aún. El tipo decide que no puede dejarlo así y se lo lleva. Al llegar a su casa lo mete, todavía inconsciente, en una jaula con pan y agua.

Al día siguiente, despierta el pájaro, observa a su alrededor y exclama:

¡En la madre, maté al motociclista!

Parasites par-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize po-lur-ize: What penguins see with.

All generalizations are false.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

Cover me. Im changing lanes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep

Work is for people who dont know how to fish

Montana — At least our cows are sane!

I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.

Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack
If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some
You dont have to compliment the person who gives you candy
The person you are with doesnt fantasize you are someone else
Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy
If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you are kinky
Doesnt matter if the kids hear you moan and groan
Less guilt the next morning
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.

GUYS: FIGURED OUT BY NAME



Aarons are dependable and talented.

Allens are preppy.

Alexes like porno, usally hot in a skater kinda way

Everyone has an Andy.

Bens are the smart, silent type.

Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.

Bob is the universal name.

Brads try too hard.

Brandons are dark haired, players.

Bretts are shy and clumsy.

Brians usually have only one good feature (but i havent quite found it yet)

Calebs never grow up.

Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.

Chads are hot, quiet but interesting once you get inside.

Charlies are walking sex.

Chris are undefined and should remain so.

Craigs are a little misguided.

Dans are thick.

Daves are impossible to get over.

Dennis are quiet, desperate flirts.

Devons are destined for trouble.

Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.

Eds are thbp

Eddies are fast.

Erics are forgettable.

Ethans smell .

Franks and Tonys are Italian Stallions.

Fred is in the chess club.

Fredericks could be snotty.

Garys are gross Nazis.

Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.

Glens are either short or intelligent.

Gregs are bizarre.

Initial name guys are cool.

Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive .

James are egotistical and stupid.

Jamies are shy but cuddly.

Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Jasons are fun loving and handsome.

Jeffs are lost puppies, though they are adorable.

Jeremys are a tad fruity.

Jimmys are sweet and sexy!

Joes are awkward, shy-guys in first date situations.

Joels are frustrated. tend to hang out with Nelsons

Its hard to stand out if your name is John.

Joshes are romantic back-stabbers.

Justins mess with your mind.

Kevins have swanky hair.

Keith is built, but dry and annoying. Its like dating a broom.

Kens just dont measure-up.

Korys are egotistical, pleasure-driven jerks.

Kyles are horny bastards!

There is always something wrong with a Kurt.

Leonards are avid bug collectors.

Lesters are molesters.

Lonnies are nasty.

Marcus are players

Marks are touchy.

Martins have a strange sense of humor.

Matts are queer- one T or two.

Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.

Nates are cocky for a reason.

Nelsons are home-schooled.

Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.

Owens have large families and drive fast.

Patricks are also incredibly sexy.

Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.

Peters are stalkers.

Phils are sensitive but geeky.

Philips are more geeky but equally sensitive.

Rays are players but majorly hot!

Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.

Richard–Dick, need I say more?

Rickies are very senstive,cute, and charming!

Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.

Robins are tormented.

Rod (the name itself) is perverted.

Rons are into pasta.

Roys are so childish.

Ryans are never appreciated.

Sams just like sex.

Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.

Shawns are sweet in one-on-one situations.

Shanes are shady.

Simons are thin.

Steves are extremes(usually incredibly good looking incredibly bad)

Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.

Timothys like to be mommied.

Todds are sweet, sporty guys.

Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.

Tommys are way to possesive & need to get a life!

Travis are dumb jocks.

Tylers are genetically small .

Vances are good conversationalists.

Wesleys are romantic.

Williams are fat.

Zacks are good looking, but aloof

Boy comes home from school, very excited. Tells his mother he has a part in the school play.


What part do you play? asks his mother.


I get to play the part of a Jewish husband


he replies.


The mother– Go back to school and tell the teacher to give you a speaking part.

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten
years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she
asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making
love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She says, Honey, how could you do this! All this time youve never told me.
Explain yourself immediately!

The husband says, Okay, Ill explain, but first you have to explain the kids.