The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. And dont get a drop of paint on your habits, she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
Who is it? asks one of the nuns.
Blind man, comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. No harm letting him in, one says, and opens the door.
Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?

You gotta hand it to her!

A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER

Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,

Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast. We

dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well though; last week I put a loan in and pulled the chain and havent seen them since. The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent found out what it is yet so I dont know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with
…the other is used to carry groceries.

Está Pepito en su clase de Historia y les dice la maestra, El día de hoy haremos un debate, los que respondan 6 preguntas correctamente ganan, y pone a los tontos de un lado y a los inteligentes del otro, junto con Pepito, para que no vaya a decir estupideces.

La maestra hace la primera pregunta: ¿Quién descubrió América?

Responden los inteligentes, Cristobal Colón maestra.

Y Pepito bien emocionado, 1 a 0 pinches burros.

Segunda pregunta, ¿En qué año descubrió Colón América?

Los inteligentes, 1492 maestra.

Y otra vez Pepito, 2-0 pinches pendejos, se la vamos a atorar.

Tercera pregunta, ¿A donde creyó Colón haber llegado?

Y otra vez los listos, A la India maestra.

Grita Pepito, ¡3-0 pinche bola de ignorantes!

La maestra, cansada de las groserías de Pepito grita, ¡Pepito, se para y se sale!

Contesta, El pito, maestra. 4-0 culeros.

Grita la maestra, ¡Pepito, se sale y no regresa!

Contesta, La caca, maestra, 5-0 pinche bola de estupidos.

La maestra bien enojada grita, ¡Pepito, se sale y no regresa en un mes!

Contesta emocionadísimo, La regla, maestra. ¡6 a 0, ganamos, ganamos!

Estaban en una disco un hombre y una mujer conversando; el hombre en evidente afán de conquistar a la mujer. Luego que la charla se hiciera más intima y comenzaran a besarse el hombre le dice:

¿Sabías que puedo hacer el amor 20 veces en una misma noche?

La muchacha abre los ojos bien grandes y se le escapa una sonrisa, entonces le contesta:

Si es cierto, ¿qué estamos haciendo aquí? Vamos ahora a tu departamento.

Llegados al departamento comienzan a desvestirse pero el hombre le dice que más allá de la intimidad le gusta mantener la luz apagada. La chica accede y comienza una larga noche, pasaron una, dos, tres horas y de curiosidad prende de golpe la luz encontrándose con otro hombre. Entonces le pregunta:

Y el dueño del departamento ¿donde está?

¡Afuera, cobrando entrada!

A guy goes into the doctors office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, Doc, this is terrible. Whats wrong with me? The doctor says, Well, first of all, youre not eating right

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair?

A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!

One day a bear was in a forest you know were bears hang out and he saw a rabbit he was hungry so he decided to chase it mean while a genie was chillin and saw the bear chaseing the rabbit and it was getting kinda annoying so he thought he would stop by granting them some wishes so he floated over and told them hey if you two knock it off ill grant you both two wishes they siad it was cool so the genie turned to the bear and said your bigger so you can go first and the bear said i wish i had the biggest bear dick in in all of beardom and the genie clapped his and his wish was granted he had the biggest bear dick in all of beardom

so he asked the rabbit want is your wish



he said i want a harley davidson motor cycle



the genie thought this was kinda wierd but he granted it any way it was the bears turn again so the genie said what is you final wish the bear said i want all the bears in the entir world to be female the genie granted his wish. it was the rabbits turn the genie said ok this is your last wish you should really think hard and the rabbit said no no i know what i want genie said well what is it and the rabbit said i want him to be gay and sped away on his motorcycle.