En la época de los faraones cuando todavía no existía la escritura y todo lo escribían en jeroglíficos, dos esclavos se pusieron a trabajar en las paredes de una pirámide; uno

dictaba lo que se quería expresar y otro dibujaba los jeroglíficos.

Dice el que dictaba: primero describamos al faraón y comienza: el faraón es bondadoso, y el otro se mataba dibujando…

Continúa: el faraón es honesto y de nuevo a dibujar… Prosigue el tipo:

el faraón es amable y de nuevo dibujando en las paredes…

Y finalmente dicta: el faraón es viril, y el que dibujaba interrumpe su trabajo y pregunta: Disculpe, ¿cómo se escribe viril? ¿con un huevo o con dos?

A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says. Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.



Oh, thats terrible! says the man. Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?



Ten, the doctor says sadly.



Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?



Nine…

You fax the FBI a weekly list of Commies in my neighborhood.

I dont know what your problem is,

But I bet its hard to pronounce.

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, hes shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, explains the guide.

The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

Wait a minute! says the man taking the tour. I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but whats that pop every so often?

Oh, its just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine, says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.

Well, that cant be good for the condom! the man states.

Yeah, but its great for the baby-bottle nipple business!

What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

(This article was taken from the December 1995 issue of Self magazine, written by Stephanie Dolgoff.)

SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup? In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), weve compiled the essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while pursuing a real relationship.

SNAG

(Sensitive New Age Guy)

Searching for a sensitive guy? Be careful you dont hit a SNAG. These guys use moves theyve picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic tupes to they , in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk – Im really concerned about how you feel – but they never really listen. Fear not; After encountering a few SNAGS, youll be able to spot the truly sensitive guy when he comes along.

WIP

(Work In Progress)

A guy with potential whom you take on knowing that youll be spoon-feeding him tips on basic social skills: If you could ask me how Im doing once in a while, that would be really great or, depending upon your standards, Honey, thats a fork. We use it to eat.

ICH

(Ill Change Him)

You have an ICH (pronounced itch) when you tend tragically toward WIPs. Best bet: Scratch the WIPs off your list and leave the ICH syndrome to someone with nothing better to do.

PG

(Probably Gay)

If hes handsome, smart, funny, unmarried and utterly uninterested in you, he gets a PG rating. Yes, its politically incorrect. No, its never 100 percent accurate. Of course, its not fair. But egos must be preserved.

TOD

(Therapy Overdose)

You know youre dating a TOD (pronounced toad) when he cant seem to stop using phrases like compulsive personality, codependency, and obsessive to justify the error of his ways or to criticize your perfectly human foibles. TODs tend to use therapy jargon to dodge responsibility, as in I recognize I have issues around monogamy, but transferring pent-up anger about your father makes me want to retreat, rather than admitting to having slept with his coworker. Again.

NIC

(Now Im Cool)

NICs are those guys who have never gotten over being considered dweebs in high school and are intent on making up for lost time by cutting a wide remantic swath through the female population. If I can date her, I must be able to get someone better, they think during the middle of your third – and final – date.

YOC

(You Ordered Coffee)

A YOC date (pronounced yuck) is one where he insists on dividing the check to the penny, according to how many fries and and cups of coffee you each consumed. He wont be sexually or emotionally generous either.

IBM

(Ideal Breeding Material)

Having just set eyes on an IBM, youre already calculating your possible genetic combinations with him and visualizing what your child would look like if he were the dad.

MOL

(My Other Line)

MOL describes the use of an actual or imagined call-waiting beep to escape a conversation. He wouldnt get off the phone, so I had to MOL him. A gross breach of telephone etiquette, but its an effective technique nonetheless.

PUP

(Pick-Up Potential)

A PUP is anyone you deep worthy of your attention. For example, you see a PUP on the stairclimber at the gym and you consider asking out for a postworkout fruit juice.

SIS

(Stud In Spandex)

A gym predator who peacocks in front of the full-length mirror, the SIS only pauses to offer to spot you when you are hoisting those arduous three-pound free weights. His interest lies in swapping sweat, not knowledge.

BOOR

(Babe Out Of Reach)

The average-looking guy who wipes the mustard off his childs shirt becomes a BOOR – instantly because hes unavailable.

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs Youve Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.

9. Keeps saying, A spine is like a box of chocolates.

8. Repeatly asks, You a cop? You sure you aint a cop?

7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by Uh-oh.

6. Theres a two drink minimum.

5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, My turn!

4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet hes covered with mud.

3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.

2. Hints that for an extra $50, hell straighten something else.

1. Youre fully-clothed and hes naked.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that other building that you wont be able to wheel back.Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father: What is this Father?.

The Father responded: Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is!.

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son Go get your Mother.