Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all?!?

Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. But the bottle has a hole in it!

Why the PC?, he continued, Its got the latest version of Windows and its missing three keys!

Which three? said Lucifer.

Control, Alt and Delete!

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to make you human for a short time.

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for 15 minutes and would finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had five more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:
Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and Ill shit on its head.

Youre not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

A: To bankrupt the other side.

In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark,
Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot
where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.

Worse: Youre in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.

Worse: With each other.

Good: The teacher likes your son.

Bad: Sexually.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughters the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriends exercising.

Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughters on the Pill.

Bad: Shes eleven.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: Shes coming home.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, Just what the hell you are doing?!

Well, said the guy, you see, Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!

Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! the guy replied.

I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I dont freakin think so!

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
Yes, we can do this for you.
Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things dont work out theres a possibility that we could be divorced? To which St. Peter answered It took me six months to find a priest up here…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:IF WOMEN DRINK:Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink : Mixed drinks – no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, shell send YOU a drink.Drink : Wine – (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is…and youre in.Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk…and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.Cider : Hes probably under-aged and wants to get laid.Cheap Domestic Beer : Hes poor / student and wants to get laid.Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.Bitter : Hes old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laidGuinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.Wine : Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.Port : Thinks hes sophisticated, secretl