A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man,Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies,See that man playing piano over there?

Hes a genie and hell grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,I wish for a million bucks. All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, That genie is a little hard of hearing isnt he.

The guy replies, no kidding!

You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening,
theyre in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one
night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and
gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to
their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil,
makes a | mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a
couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less
enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a | on the
wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another | on the
wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guys room to see how he
did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. What will you do if I die before you do? Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that shed probably look for a house- sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, What will you do if I die first? He replied, Probably the same thing.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, How many women can a man marry?

Sixteen, the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. How do you know that?

Easy, the little boy said. All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.

A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesmans job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world – you could literally buy *anything* there. So tell me, the boss asked him, have you ever been a salesman before?

Sure have, said the lad, I was the best salesman in the county back home!

The boss liked the cut of him and said, Well, OK: you can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up the store.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him: Well, how many sales did you make today, young man?

Oh, just one, said the young salesman.

Only ONE? blurted his boss. Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?

Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents, said the young fellow, smiling broadly.

How in hell you manage THAT?! asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.

Waaaall, said the salesman, this ritzy-lookin feller came in and I sold him a small fishhook, ysee, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous bigun! I asked him where he was goin fishin and he said down the coast. I said hed probably be needin a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner yall aint been able to sell for nigh-on two years … yknow the bigun with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldnt be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!

Wait … said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?

Waaalll, naw, not zactly, answered the salesman, ysee, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, Hey pal, you and I both know your weekends screwed, so you may as well go fishin, right?

In Poland, half of the households are waiting for telephones.
The other half are waiting for dial tones.

A BLONDE WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH CRYING.I WALKED UP TO HER AND ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS? SHE REPLIED; MY DAD JUST DIED. IM SO SORRY I SAID ;YOU NEED TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER ? SHE SAID YES AND I LET HER USE MY CELL PHONE. SHE CALLED HER SISTER AND AS SHE TALKED SHE BEGAN TO WEEP EVEN MORE. I ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG NOW? SHE SAID MY SISTERS DAD DIED TOO.

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

Where ya been?

he slurred.

I dont know, gushed the other guy, but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: Its called, Sosumi.

Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldnt decide which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.