You might be a redneck if…
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?

A: Ill have the burger and fries, please.

(from my friend, a math professor)

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.

The husband says, I thought wed have sex tonight.

The wife replies, No, Im too tired tonight.

The husband says, Is that your final answer?

The wife says, Yes, it is, thank you.

The husband says, OK, then, Id like to phone a friend.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]

But this method doesnt work with a telephone call…
[sound effect: dial tone]

Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls!

How much would you pay?

Dont answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, well throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

[Theme from Indiana Jones in the background.]

Youve reached the residence of John and Tom. We cant come to the phone right now, because were cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and well get back to you.

[Theme from Indiana Jones continues until the beep.]

Q: Whats the difference between the dinosaur and a dragon…?

A: Dinosaurs are too young to SMOKE!

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought
it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

Madam, said the sales manager, the audio system in this car is
completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to
listen to, and you will hear exactly that!

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at
the radio and said, Nelson.

The radio responded, Ricky or Willie?

She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, thats what she got. If
she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying On The Road Again when
the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports
utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward
her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and
narrowly missed a collision.

Idiot! she yelled and, from the radio, Ladies and gentlemen, the
President of the United States.

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!

Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?! A prostitute! Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant

How many can you afford?



It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.



Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting

by standing up and shouting Objection!



Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.



Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the

ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.



Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying

power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb

burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired

the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.



Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,

one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,

one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one

to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to

change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.



How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, lawyers only screw us.